Ownership - the truth is staring at me in the mirror

Ownership. At some point in life we need to take some ownership.

It might be of the path your career is taking, it may be your financial situation, it may be taking control and ownership for some of the issues and problems in your life. Or as is my case, taking ownership of my health. 

Oh yeah folks, sorry it is one of those blogs. Woe is me. Ass is kicked. 

For over the last year or so, I've been feeling pretty damn exhausted, all of the time - where is my bed?! EXHAUSTED. I've also gained weight (around 10kg). I've sat back and blamed my tiredness and weight gain on PhD life. PhD being my life, and eating far too much cake and drinking far too many caramel lattes. Accepting that to eat this way and to feel this way is normal. Hey a PhD is seriously stressful, don't judge unless you are doing one! The hours are long and the rewards are few, so why not a donut now and then to keep going? Afterall the sugar will boost my energy.

It's not all bad, I'm sort of proactive about my health, i hit the gym at least 5 days a week, it is all about the quantity right? (yeah wrong!) I workout so much that i am permanently injured. So i mean weight gain, it isn't me, it is all about my stressful, unbalanced life. Logically, i know this to be a bunch of twaddle (great under-utilised word twaddle), but it has been all too easy to lay the blame elsewhere. I could blame my medication, but this has always felt like one lie too many to myself. 

I could have kept on lying, denying the truth, feeling disheartened that so much is going wrong in my life. PhD - not giving me results. Time and love for running - disappeared into the ether, enjoyment of Judo - what even is judo?! I do so little. Even the gym has lost its gleam. Then slap bang!! A trip to the doctors for a routine check up and...................HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! 

NOT NORMAL AND NOT HEALTHY. 

So there i sat, waiting for my gym class to start when everything stopped. That moment of realisation came at me. High blood pressure is bad, really bad, being exhausted all of the time, it isn't normal. Yes the majority of PhD students are tired, but unable to focus all of the time, NO. And weight gain? Well, this makes me miserable, can only be my fault from eating too many cakes and the stress of being so unhappy with myself is probably contributing to my high blood pressure. Not to mentioin never having an quality down time.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. 

The recognition that i can no longer deny my situation. I have a huge imbalance in my life. I have got to take some ownership of that. I'm overweight (well maybe not in terms of BMI, but it is getting there and i feel pretty awful), only i can change that. I'm stressed all the time and no longer find relief or enjoyment in running, judo and even the gym is loosing it's charm.

HOW?

I can change what i eat. Relative to everything else, that is easy. Finding the motivation to train harder at the gym? (quality not quantity...might help with the tiredness). Not so easy. Re-finding love for judo and running? I have no idea on that one. Reducing my blood pressure and finding a work life balance?? Not the foggiest. I'm not kidding. I'm staring at a wall of granite with only a miniature pick axe to take it down.

All I can do is take ownership of my situation and strive to make positive changes. Starting with my diet. What goes from there i do not know. I have no idea on how to tackle the other issues. 

But one thing is apparent. I can no longer sit back and deny the truth. 

I'm sure in later blogs i'll update you on my progress, but all advice or links to information gratefully recieved. I hope that my striving to be honest, others in my situation know they too are not alone and all advice will hopefully not only benefit me, but also other readers.