PhD apathay or something darker?

Every PhD student you will ever meet, at some point will admit. They just want the PhD over with. They are, tired, bored, drained, skint, apathetic and more. The process is tedious, devoting 3 or 4 years solidly to one subject. Knowing that all you need is something novel. Not groundbreaking, because realistically very little of science is ground breaking stuff. But something Novel, previously unknown or a new twist on an old concept. But that field of study is so narrow that at some point you just want to stop and breathe.

Well, three years into the PhD process, with one more year to go. I am THERE. Disinterested in science, or learning, unmotivated and bored. Yep I've reached the top of the sigmoid and I'm lying on the plateau.

None of this greatly surprised me. After all many of my currently social group have been through the process and have experienced the 'wall', then the linear phase followed by the burnout plateau. What has surprised me is how hard I've been hit. Over the last few weeks, well, the best metaphor would be a head slowly exploding against a concrete wall. 

In reality, I'm disinterested in science, suffering a loss of appetite, feeling sick when i do eat and sleeping excessively and suffering some memory loss (for the love of god where are my keys!). And most worryingly I don't want to exercise, no Judo (less of a surprise given my anxiety issues with it), running can jog on and gym is a no go. I alternate between wanting to cry and just sit in a chair and stare listlessly into space for hours. Now the real is....Is this really just PhD burnout or something worse. As a Panther surrounded her entire life by the blackness of depression affecting family members and later on being diagnosed myself, it is very hard for me to differentiate between the two situations. 

One is a life debilitating situation that can cause a rapid alteration in mental health the other is a passing phase that just needs to be slogged through. Friends have helped me to see I need a break (i suck at relaxing), those friends I can count on (others it turns out recently, basically suck - get rid of those, they cannot be relid on and often bring subconcious negativity into your life) and they have stepped up to the mark in ways that i am greatful for, but do not have the words to express. The other is the get the family members you trust in your corner. For me, my mother is a no go. She has severe mental health problems and i'm like a sponge when it comes to he. Sadly, despite 3 of them, i'm not close to my brothers either. So i chose my dad, forever in my corner, forever my rock. But i also chose my aunt, she got her husband through the PhD process and has seen the strain first hand. Their emotional support is invaluable. But these guys, they proof read my work and they feed me when i can't feed myself. I hope to keep going and finish this process, i hope to make them proud and i hope to pay them back one day. 

This post, for the PhD student. Whatever you feel in the darkest moments of wanting to quit are normal. Find your support network. And the second you feel it isn't normal emotions you are feeling get help. Mental health remains a silent issue in many areas of society. 

Their is no shame in needing help, the help of friends, family or medical.

Here is a cute doggie picture to cheer you up! (well it made me smile)