I'm sorry, I've nothing else to give.

I'm sorry, I have nothing else to give. 

I've been feeling this way for a while. It's not depression. I've been there and it isn't that (or at least i hope not, the symptoms are different). It is literally a case of 'I have nothing else to give'. In other words, i've reached peak capacity. Mental saturation. I can do no more. 

I'm a final year PhD student. I have one fantastic supervisor and 1 that i can deal with, and 1 hellish one (the latter two alternate positions, frequently). One supervisor, the industry one, is a fun kettle of fish. I go on place for a few days, every week or so. I thought no-one spoke to me because i was new, they were busy and well, maybe not the most welcoming of people. Turns out, they are a lot nicer when the supervisor isn't around. This person thinks, 4:30am - 10pm days (that includes the commute) is acceptable. Has told me that they are not my supervisor, keep you waiting over two hours, just because. Gives you a lecture on eating right and exercising whilst not letting you leave until 7pm and not getting lunch until 3pm. I found out on my last visit, the quality of supervision is so good that generally people quit. Cool beans right?! 

Yeah, okay, education, it's tough but worth it. Or so i'm told. It is a lot of hard work. In addition to this, I'm trying really hard to run a judo club. The problem is, i'm the president without being the president. I'm trying to organise shit, but people aren't helping, or forthcoming with information. I can name the number of times on one hand the president and treasurer have actually turned up to training this year. I'm trying to sort competitions, awards, next years committees. It really doesn't matter how much i do, people always want more. Comp not sorted..do it. People not purchased tickets for awards?....get on it. Need to sort a new committee....oh wait. No one wants to stand. Culture of money for nothing. 

On top of this, i'm trying to deal with my own goals. Judo...i think i did okay here. Running, scratch that, not enough time. Gym...beginning to suffer. Dragonboating...once a month, if i'm lucky. Next week i bury my grandmother, which i have to write a few words for, i'm still waiting on news regarding my 2yr old cousin that has a brain tumour.

So, i'm really sorry guys, but i've reached the end. I've reach the maximal stretch of my emotional and intellectual band. Don't get me wrong, i've had some cracking experiences so far this year: Vet ball, hiking in the peak, BUCs, indoor skydiving. Some memorable activities.

But, here i stand saying, i have reached the capacity of my bandwidth. I can juggle no more balls. I'm actually dropping a fair few. I'm incapable of taking on external information, i don't know what is going in the world, I cannot keep up with politics, nor follow how the NHS is being slowly eroded. Current affairs? Not a chance. Mate i can't even keep my house clean and tidy.

Please know, that I am doing my best and if that isn't enough for you, then tough shit. If i don't answer a message, or email, or plan an activity, it's not that i don't care, or want to do something with you. It is really a case of i cannot take any more on. I'm fighting to keep my head above the water, fighting the urge to self-isolate in order to self-preservate. I need my friends more than ever (and maybe a hug) but temporarily i have nothing else to give. 

Please bare with me until normal service is resumed.