Red faced and sweaty boobs!

Their is little I find in life more enjoyable than a hot shower after a gym session.

I like the gym, actually that is a lie, I love the gym. If I could go back in time, I'd re-train as a personal instructor. I've had a really strange week when it comes to the gym. Monday I did a strength test so my judo coach can see where my fitness level is at. It was quite a good experience, involving:

• Broad jump (measured in cm)
• Right leg hop and left leg hop (measured in cm)
• Level 10 on the rower, 20 sec row as hard as you can, 10 sec rest. Repeat 8 times, total distance added (674 metres - Damn pleased with that, i've never rowed on level ten before!!)
• Squat (1 rep max - 70kg)
• Bench press (1 rep max - 40kg)
• Row (1 rep max - 45kg)

All of the weights are personal bests!! Darn tooting chuffed with that, especially when i consider that 4 months ago I had never done a squat from the rack, never cared for the bench press and row? I wouldn't even dream of doing that kind of weight! I am already looking forward to getting reassessed before Christmas! Eager to see my progress. 

So after these, it was surprising to me to feel very anti-gym. I have spent the last three days battling a very real and extreme exhaustion. When it came to today's gym session with my PT, it was the very last thing I wanted to go and do! As is often the case, i enjoyed it immensely when i got there. I worked my legs to death, by the end of 30 mins, i genuinely wanted to vomit. My face was beetroot red and sweat was rolling between my boobs (guys this is a very really issue!) and yet somehow I managed to get my jellifed arms and legs on to a Spin bike for 45 minutes. 

So why do I work out so much? 

It is a question i get asked a lot. 

Well firstly, each to their own. I feel every one should have a hobby, the gym is one of mine.

Secondly, i would like the body of a goddess - unlikely to ever happen, as food is another hobby of mine, albeit in moderation, i still like chocolate a little bit too much. 

Thirdly, it helps me get fit and cross train for other sports and activities. 

Fourthly, my health. Yes physical health, i want strong muscles, strong bones, a healthy heart, low blood pressure etc, but also mental health. I genuinely find that gym time is my time, even when i am working hard with my PT, it is my time, i switch off from all of life's other problems, worries and cares. If i'm trying to lift a heavy (to me) weight, then i need to focus on form and technique and their isn't room left in my head for anything else. Now this is really important as someone who has suffered from depression. Switching off is something i find difficult to do, negative things affect me greatly. The gym is nearly always a positive experience, that helps me to recharge my batteries and also the endorphins make me happy! 

Another thing i love about the gym, people don't care what you look like, you are all there for the same reason! I really like the different styles of training you can do, some days i'll just do cardio (let's face it, you don't have to think a lot to sit on a bike). Other days i'll do classes, currently in the mix are, pilates, yogalates, yoga, boxfit, spin, FTR circuits and Abs, core and flex. At least once a week I have a PT session where do do cross fit based work outs, and I try to do some of these on my own. If i get up and feel really insecure about an aspect of myself then heading to the gym and focussing on that area gives me the knowledge that i'm doing something positive to change. 

In fact the only thing i'm struggling to change is my diet. Their is a lot of conflicting information on the net, and one cannot be sure the person giving advice is actually qualified either. Lots of fruit and veg it is good but also a bad thing now? Too many carbs...not enough carbs? Calories...wait no, it is all about fats....yeah CONFUSED.COM!

I doubt i'm the only gym nut, but i really hope i'm not the only gym nut constantly asked why i do it to myself, or called nuts. And i hope someone with more intelligence can explain decent nutrition to me, or as least send me to a good, verifiable web page!! 

Until next time folks.....Train hard!

With the highs comes the lows.

Life giveth and life taketh.

Or more accurately, when things are going well, you know at some point luck will change. 

Two weeks ago, life was going pretty well, by and large my research was heading in a positive direction (which made the weekends at uni worth while), i was managing all my different roles and finding time to eat right and exercise plenty.

This week. Everything has came to a screeching halt. Science no longer works, for no reason (i swear this stuff is voodoo sometimes), all my different roles to fulfil have became a pain in the posterior and even worse, eating right and exercising plenty had came to a full STOP! 

So things that have faltered:

• Cell culture - I'm actually trying to  kill cells, yet the buggers live
• PCRs - I want these to show life, yet they are dead
• Injured - i've injured an ankle at judo two weeks ago, it doesn't want to heal
• Energy - all my energy has abandoned me, so now i eat all the wrong food (cyclic this one i know)
• Sleep - what is sleep?? don't even have children for the excuse of not getting any sleep
• Death  - sadly my great aunt has passed away, the impact here is not so much on me, for i didn't know her all that well, though what i knew of her i really liked..funny, warm hearted, caring and always interested in what i was doing with my life, the impact here is on my, who has many happy childhood memories with her on the family farm. 

Of these, the ones affect me the most is the lack of sleep, if i'm not rested then i have no energy, i don't eat right and i don't exercise enough, which granted is painful anyway (soft tissue injuries 

really suck - if anyone knows how long these take to heal, i'd be grateful for that info). The rest (apart from death) is just science. 

It is all frustrating, the lack of energy in particular. It drives me nuts. I always feel like i should be striving for more and achieving my full potential, and yet when i have no energy i fall into a really slump. And then i fall into the trap of feeling like a real failure. Giving up and running away feels like a real prospect. 

In conclusion, this blog post has no purpose, but was a good format for me to vent. 

Night all....i hope you all have more positive things going on in life! 

World Mental Health Day 2015

Today marks world mental health day. 

We all have mental health, you might not think you are affected by mental health problems, but you probably know someone who is. In this blog i'm giving a small insight into my mental health. I thought when setting this blog up that i would only post about happy things, but since when is a person happy all of the time. I'm sure as hell not.

Depression

Depression is defined as: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

To some extent everyone has experienced this. The problem comes when you experience this 'all of the time'. 

This probably isn't going to be the best written blog folks, i'm finding it difficult to find the words to describe what i deal with. 

I have always been a glass half empty kind of girl, years of bullying at school left me feeling like a shadow of a person. Not worthy of time or notice by anyone. I grew up with a mother with severe mental health problems. When I was 16 she was placed into a special hospital unit. I had to grow up fast. When she came out, 'mom' was gone. I would get home to from to school to find her still in bed, unable to function as a person. For any 16 year old the kind of situation i was in was difficult to deal with, you aren't emotionally mature enough for it. I couldn't cope with the pressure and responsibility put on my and i completely messed up my AS-levels. 

At 19 i went to uni and slowly came out of myself, i discovered a love for the gym, but 'mom' was still there with her issues, using emotional blackmail to get me home, for me i was so stressed i experienced constant and excruciating migraines, coupled with decreased sleep of around 4 hours a night. At 21, on my 21st birthday, with a smile on her face as i got through the door from uni, 'mom' announced she was self harming. Happy Birthday to me right? It occurred to me at this point, i would be spending my life as a carer. Hard to deal with, even harder was returning home from uni and living back with the parents. dealing with the unstableness of my mother's bi-polar. 

I got a job, i meet a great friend, who was super encouraging, she gave me the confidence to take up Judo, which helped massively with my self-esteem, she encouraged me to go back to uni and get a masters degree. Cheers Pea, you are a star.

So here is when it happened. I got through my masters, sleeping regularly on 2-4 hours sleep a night, i was the healthiest and happiest i have ever been. I had met wonderful friends, a fantastic judo club, loved my degree. So decided on a PhD. And then I cracked. BOOM. FULL STOP. HALT. NOPE NOPE NOPE. 

Like a bolt out of the blue, my life flipped, turned upside down. I couldn't function. I didn't function. I wasn't happy, i wanted to cry all the time, i felt apart from people, i could sit in the same room and feel so utterly, despairingly alone. Life had no colour, it was varying shades of black. I was down to 2 hours of sleep or less a night. I was in a situation i couldn't get out of, that i had no help or support with and then i had to do my PhD. I was less than a person, i'd get to judo and then find myself having to leave the room to cry. I didn't want to exist, do not understand me, i didn't have suicidal thoughts, i just didn't want to exist. 

In adverts they always show a person alone in a corner, this was literally me. 

People would ask what was wrong, the answer was always 'i'm fine' - yeah, no, i was anything but fine. I couldn't tell anyone that though, who would understand?? People don't understand something they can't see. Even worse, what if someone said i was like my 'mom' -crazy, needed to go in hospital, never ever going to be able to lead a normal life. Therefore i couldn't tell anyone.  I had to deal on my own. To tell people you're fine when actually:

To get to the point, i eventually told someone, and they told someone else, that someone else helped me, he made me understand on an intellectual and emotional level i was not my mother. I was DEPRESSED. I got help. I take medication daily. I'm still prone to depressive episodes, mostly i think when people see me being mental and hyper, it is me trying to deal with the fact i'm not happy and i am trying to bust through that temporary wall. 

I also used to be totally anti - anti-depressants, i never wanted to take them, but now i do, and you have to take them daily, it isn't like paracetamol, you have to take them even when you don't think you need them. I function as a person now. 

Key thing here, anti-depressants don't make your life perfect, in fact far from it, i'm still a sensitive person, i still get upset at criticism, or when i think people dislike me for no reason, it really bugs me and hurts me. And they can have side effects, i suffer from irregular nightmares and it has made me gain a LOT of weight. And this is an issue for me, i eat well, train lots (arguably too much) and yet i continue to steadily gain weight and this makes me really upset and it makes me feel ashamed of myself and my body. I look in the mirror and i feel so embarrassed. But the tablets also make me well enough to go to uni and work, to get to the gym and sweat stress out, to get up and dressed and face the day. 

So here it is, my brief tale of 2 years of dealing with depression. I can count on one hand all the people in my life that know about it, and only two of them are family (no not my 'mom). I still feel the need to hide it and we shouldn't, depression and other mental health issues should be talked about. It is nothing to be ashamed of. 

So if you take one message from this, then take either the message you aren't alone if you suffer depression, or take the message of World Mental Health Day and spread it to engender understanding.