Personal diary entry - 31st October 2016
Their is so much in life that I do not understand. Like how someone like me can feel so empty, so very hopeless, how can I feel so utterly powerless in my own life?
That is largely how i feel, as though I'm not really present, drifting through life, yet oddly chained to the here and now. I can laugh outwardly, the second I stop, I'm hollow.
I'm okay around a few people, those that know I have squirrels in my head, but beyond that I want to be alone, yet I hate being alone, I am overwhelmed by lethargy.
Then their are the thoughts, I can keep myself physically busy, but at the end of the day consider myself to not have worked hard enough. I'm not a success. I don't have time to do an experiment. Failure. Skip a gym session. Failure. Not able to master a new throw at judo. Failure. Can't lose weight. Definitely a FAILURE. I'm not good enough, professionally, athletically or personally. I am not good enough for another human, not worthy of being in a relationship. I'm not funny, attractive or smart.
And it is self perpetuating. A few negative thoughts here become gremlins there. They feed you more thoughts. And then your sleep becomes fucked up and so you stress more and make more gremlins and sleep even less.
And having read the above, how much of that is even coherent? That is my head. All of the damn time.
Massive bout of depression mingled with imposter syndrome.
