All hallow's eve, time to let the gremlins out

Personal diary entry - 31st October 2016

Their is so much in life that I do not understand. Like how someone like me can feel so empty, so very hopeless, how can I feel so utterly powerless in my own life?

That is largely how i feel, as though I'm not really present, drifting through life, yet oddly chained to the here and now. I can laugh outwardly, the second I stop, I'm hollow.

I'm okay around a few people, those that know I have squirrels in my head, but beyond that I want to be alone, yet I hate being alone, I am overwhelmed by lethargy.

Then their are the thoughts, I can keep myself physically busy, but at the end of the day consider myself to not have worked hard enough. I'm not a success. I don't have time to do an experiment. Failure. Skip a gym session. Failure. Not able to master a new throw at judo. Failure. Can't lose weight. Definitely a FAILURE. I'm not good enough, professionally, athletically or personally. I am not good enough for another human, not worthy of being in a relationship. I'm not funny, attractive or smart. 

And it is self perpetuating. A few negative thoughts here become gremlins there. They feed you more thoughts. And then your sleep becomes fucked up and so you stress more and make more gremlins and sleep even less.

And having read the above, how much of that is even coherent? That is my head. All of the damn time.

Massive bout of depression mingled with imposter syndrome. 

PhD apathay or something darker?

Every PhD student you will ever meet, at some point will admit. They just want the PhD over with. They are, tired, bored, drained, skint, apathetic and more. The process is tedious, devoting 3 or 4 years solidly to one subject. Knowing that all you need is something novel. Not groundbreaking, because realistically very little of science is ground breaking stuff. But something Novel, previously unknown or a new twist on an old concept. But that field of study is so narrow that at some point you just want to stop and breathe.

Well, three years into the PhD process, with one more year to go. I am THERE. Disinterested in science, or learning, unmotivated and bored. Yep I've reached the top of the sigmoid and I'm lying on the plateau.

None of this greatly surprised me. After all many of my currently social group have been through the process and have experienced the 'wall', then the linear phase followed by the burnout plateau. What has surprised me is how hard I've been hit. Over the last few weeks, well, the best metaphor would be a head slowly exploding against a concrete wall. 

In reality, I'm disinterested in science, suffering a loss of appetite, feeling sick when i do eat and sleeping excessively and suffering some memory loss (for the love of god where are my keys!). And most worryingly I don't want to exercise, no Judo (less of a surprise given my anxiety issues with it), running can jog on and gym is a no go. I alternate between wanting to cry and just sit in a chair and stare listlessly into space for hours. Now the real is....Is this really just PhD burnout or something worse. As a Panther surrounded her entire life by the blackness of depression affecting family members and later on being diagnosed myself, it is very hard for me to differentiate between the two situations. 

One is a life debilitating situation that can cause a rapid alteration in mental health the other is a passing phase that just needs to be slogged through. Friends have helped me to see I need a break (i suck at relaxing), those friends I can count on (others it turns out recently, basically suck - get rid of those, they cannot be relid on and often bring subconcious negativity into your life) and they have stepped up to the mark in ways that i am greatful for, but do not have the words to express. The other is the get the family members you trust in your corner. For me, my mother is a no go. She has severe mental health problems and i'm like a sponge when it comes to he. Sadly, despite 3 of them, i'm not close to my brothers either. So i chose my dad, forever in my corner, forever my rock. But i also chose my aunt, she got her husband through the PhD process and has seen the strain first hand. Their emotional support is invaluable. But these guys, they proof read my work and they feed me when i can't feed myself. I hope to keep going and finish this process, i hope to make them proud and i hope to pay them back one day. 

This post, for the PhD student. Whatever you feel in the darkest moments of wanting to quit are normal. Find your support network. And the second you feel it isn't normal emotions you are feeling get help. Mental health remains a silent issue in many areas of society. 

Their is no shame in needing help, the help of friends, family or medical.

Here is a cute doggie picture to cheer you up! (well it made me smile)

 

Time to kick it up a gear.

Summer is here and the sun is shining (well between the downpours - this is Britain after all). It is time to top up the vitamin D levels, slip on that bikini and feel good about life.

Not actually me, but you get the idea

Except. I don't have a bikini body. Not even remotely comfortable in a bikini. Not even comfortable in a swimming costume at the pool. Frankly you are much more likely to see me like this > 

Hidden in a tent.  

Gym life is going well. Training is challenging, but progressing nicely. Muscle is being built and VERY slowly, but surely, body fat is creeping down. :)  Being the impatient person that I am, this lovely, positive change isn't happening fast enough. Not only is my body (rudely) not changing over night, but I am becoming beset my aches and pains and the dreaded exhaustion. Whoo!! Nothing like all the annoying things. 

Having had a few chats with my gym trainers, it has slowly dawned on me that I train too much. I have known this, but for the first time it is really sinking in. I TRAIN TOO MUCH. And what happens when you over train? Your body, which suffers a little bit of temporary damage every time you hit the gym (or other forms of exercise) is unable to heal efficiently. People react differently to over training:

•  Some suffer fatigue, 
• Others actually lose strenght and fitness, 
• Constant soreness,
• You can pick up illnesses easier, 
• Some people even suffer from burnout, which can affect some individuals mental health quite badly. 

Me? Well i suffer the fatigue and loss of fitness and strenght - therefore i train harder and end up going in circles until i crash. Joyous. Well no, not really.  Anyway, this knowledge coupled with the whole, 'i know i don't really eat that well' but i'll not be honest with myself has led to this point. The realisation that need to do both less and more. 

Why Less?

Doing a HIIT class followed by Judo - explosive followed by explosive. No wonder my explosive abilities die ten minutes into Judo. My muscles are done in. 

Spin, run and maybe weights - Stamina, stamina and of wait more stamina. Yeah no good either. 

Time to tailor my training more. Summer is the perfect opportunity. Judo slows down a bit, which is a great opportunity to mix it up, start training for a half marathon (following an actual plan - big deal for me - for the next 13 weeks), fitting my gym time around this. Then Judo around that. Keeping one day for pure rest and two lighter days to aid recovery.

Why do more?

It is time to put a darn sight more effort into my nutrition. A girl can't run a half marathon on poor nutrition. A girl can't hit her Judo ambitions (low level) with out energy in the tank. 

I've taken a bit of time to read about nutrition, calorie intake and macros (can strongly recommend heidi powell's blog. So it is time to, not only train like a pro, but eat like one too. 

My plan is simple. Consume 1555Kcal per day, of which 40% will come from carbs (trying to keep away from bread - it hates me), 35% will be protein and 25% fats. This isn't right for everyone, indeed i may need to tweak this myself. And I totally intend on having a cheat day once a week so stop me going nuts and having a chocolate binge. 

Summer is here, and it is time to kick it up a gear. 

 

Live a little and try something new!

Summer has arrived!!!

As this is the UK, summer has predictably been a few sunny days and lots of wet and windy ones, thanks Global warming! (Sarcasm)

Regardless, the increased number of dry spells brings to my mind the opportunity to get outdoors!! Make a break from being couped up all of the time. This year I intend to make the most of being outdoors by trying new things.

1) Gardening.

I have a teeny weeny garden. With two large plants and a small plot of soil 1m by 2m. The rest is paving. Perfect and low maintenance. That being said looking at two plants and paving is pretty boring, so this year I have put some colour into the garden. (You will quickly note, i am not a botanist). Some pots have been purchased and in these i have placed fuchsias and lavenders and some supposedly pretty coloured flowers whose name escapes me.

In the small plot i am attempting to grow some produce. This fits quite nicely with my attempts to get healthier. I have peas, garlic, onions, carrots, Brussels, lettuces, fennel, mixed herbs, pumpkins, courgettes, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and strawberries in my tiny plot. All growing with mixed success. It would seem that onions and garlics are really easy!! From the looks of things, another few weeks and fresh organic produce will be making it onto my plate!!

My little green plot

2) Dragon Boating.

I know, I know, you are all wondering dragon boating is. Well here is a picture. 22 people on a boat, one steering, one on the drum and 20 paddling!! I joined a brand new club and we so far have 8 regulars!! Anyone interested in giving it ago should definitely look up a local club...

Picture taken from the web

The history of the sport can be found on wikipedia: Dragon-boat

It is hard, sweaty work, with regular practises taking place on a river. So far my experiences have been blessed with good weather, so good I've came home with sunburn. It is a heck of a work out, on the arms and lower back. Great for your core and thoroughly enjoyable.

3) Croquet

A past time for posh people (at least literature would so have me believe). June the 5th is National Croquet day in England and my neighbour has been playing for years and invited me to her clubs open day. Life is all about new experiences, even if that involves hanging out with old folk. Yeah it might not seem cool, but old people are awesome and i don't care if you think i am cool, i'll do what i please. Again we have been blessed with mighty fine weather, so fine the sun added considerably to my sunburn. And literature is correct, the people at the club were incredibly posh. One felt, one ought to talk in a more clipped, appropriate manner. 

Hopefully with the continuation of good weather i'll be able to get out and try some other new activites, perhaps horse riding? Or competitive freezbie? Camping? The options are endless.

Happy summer!!

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly....

It has been a while since my last post.

Since then I have been working diligently at uni  on my research. After a run of good luck, a brick wall that was holding back my research has been smashed!!!!!!

Great news!! Other pieces of work are also slowly but surely generating results as well. 

Still i refuse to take this for granted, science can have a habit of lulling you in to a false sense of security only to suddenly stop playing ball.

Uni Gym.

I have been beasting it in the gym as well. PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE!!!

At my last body MOT, my weight had gone up a little (bad) however I had finally lost some fat!! In fact, since we started doing measurements it is now at the LOWEST it has ever been. Dropping half a percent. Not massive, but a very real and positive step in the right direction. All of my measurements show i am definitely gaining muscle and shredding!! WHOOP!!! The news gets better. My blood pressure is now normal!!! Granted it is on the cusp of what the medical profession call normal, but I'll take all the positive points that i can!! Since having the body MOT i have stood on the scales and they have indicated a small loss too!!! Extremely happy about this. 

When it comes to gym life, it is not lifting super heavy weights (I can now manage to squat 70kg - more than i weigh!) or big extravagant results that matter, it is the small improvements that i find to be significant. These small steps prove you are capable of change and spur you on to greater achievements. 

THE C WORD

From reading all of the above, you could be forgiven for thinking my life is nice and rosy right now. And I have to admit on paper, it isn't bad at all. But of course, life is not perfect. 

The volume of work, constant small pieces of misinformation, having to triple triple check everything, a supervisor that is a pro a not answering emails, undergraduates that believe your sole existence is to be your supervisors secretary/their minion, to clean up and re-stock after them. Yup. Feeling a shade annoyed and overwhelmed. 

Add to that.. Everyone else thinking they know YOUR limitations. Honey, I don't know what limitations are! But when they did their PhD, that was all they did. That and nothing else. They assume this is what everyone else needs to do, sitting on a committee is 'crap' and 'you need to focus on your work', you wont have time for the gym or judo, because you are doing a PhD. 

So much negativity. Truth is, if all i did was my PhD, then i would be really unhappy, i have never been the type of person to solely focus on one thing, i enjoy having hobbies...i might not always enjoy sitting on committees, but it is a good experience. 

One of my favourite quotes.

Let us face it, we've all experienced situations like this. 

So yes, i'm a tad annoyed. But then came something to really blow me out of the water. My Dad has been diagnosed with the big C.

CANCER

A word that one ever wants to hear. Luckily it is prostate cancer. I say lucky because recovery rates for this are really good. We are waiting for more tests. So for now I will say no more, other than it is a shock. 

If you would like to know more about prostate cancer, please click on the following link: http://prostatecanceruk.org/

Dare to try.

So begins a brand new month and I am in the fortunate position of spending the first week of it on annual leave. WOOOHOOOO!!!

As my personal tradition dictates, this means spending a long weekend with the family then back to the comfort of my own home. For most people a vacation means a vacation from the exercise routine. I try and be a little more adaptable than that. 

Now my parents are older they need a little help, so on this occassion a little exercise has included gardening (I defy anyone who has dug over a vegetable plot with clay soil to say that isn't exercise!!), also washing and polishing a car (took a good four hours!!), a little bit of walking the dog and because i can, a run or two. I am a firm believer than exercise can be done anywhere. And in an age where most people think of exercise as going to the gym or bootcamps, a lot of people forget that gardening and washing cars counts too. You get hot and sweaty, don't stop and also have the added benefit of fresh air and sunlight, both are great for your skin and mental health, which is JUST as, if not MORE important than physical health. 

Looking back over the last month, I find myself very relieved that i am on holiday!! I have worked so hard and am mentally tired.

But at no point did i stop going to the gym (proud of this) even if i went a little less, in fact the gym took on a different sort of meaning. It was no longer the place I had to go and slave for hours! Suddenly my focus became intense. I needed to go in, do the job and get out. All the students have returned after Easter break, this gave more incentive to get in, get done and get out.

To get out of the hustle and bustle of the gym, i started taking my cardio outside and have rediscovered a joy of running - after feeling as though my chest would burst from lack of air and pounding heart, outside is harder than a treadmill anyday, i have refound a past pleasure. Hell i have even signed up to a 10K race for early next year and am looking for reasonably prices ones nearby to do this year. Plus keeping my eyes open for a half marathon (eek!).

I have no idea if i have lost weight or shredded fat. But for once none of that matters. Why? because i have found discovered something. I have discovered I can achieve more than i ever thought possible. At the beginning of my current training programme 6 weeks ago, i could squat 65kg as a one max rep. Now, as part of my programme i regularly squat 4 reps of 60kg. I have dropped so many weights on the counter-balance for my pull-ups and tricep dips....two exercises i was adament to my trainer i couldn't do. 

Bench press with dumbells...never in my life used heavier than 8kg....until the 15kg i use now. It is amazing what this can do attitude, beast it in the gym and get done, whilst enjoying what a rest day or two can do for a girl!!! My gym trainer told me to believe in myself. So i dared to try, i dared to believe in myself and when all else failed i dared to put some cracking tunes in my ears and get on with it. 

This has really rejuventated me. I'm finding myself in the gym again. I'm finding my head space outside running again. Next goals are to re-find my judo mojo and confidence and then find my body (on this score i've spent most of today finding high protein breakfast meals and new evening/lunch meals to keep me from hitting the chocolate).

So go on! Dare to try! Dare to Believe! Dare to see what you can achieve!!!!

A rude awakening and a new plan

A few weeks ago I was given a rude awakening by my Personal Trainer, he decided without warning to do a new body MOT. Time to get the measurements he said. *Crap* i thought. I knew i wouldn't see anything good. Not only were my results not 'good', I left mortified. 

The readings; my Body fat had remained much the same (to my surprise), my weight has finally crept up to 70kg (the heaviest i have ever been) and whilst this makes my BMI 25. A single point higher and I will be classed as overweight (and frankly I already feel overweight). So the news was not great and i felt awful and miserable and disappointed with myself and hey depressed, because, let us be honest here, i have done this to myself. But the big shock was my blood pressure. The first reading 152/96....the second not much better at 145/92. Wow, now that is HIGH! Alarmingly so. Crunch time. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE!

I have since had a few days holiday and had my blood pressure rechecked by a nurse and it was 130/82. Now this is medically acceptable, but for me this is actually still high. A lot of factors contribute to high blood pressure:

• age
• salt intake
• lack of exercise
• overweight

These are just a few, for more details please click on the following link: What causes high blood pressure? 

Now realistically, none of the above are considerable factors for me on the face of it. I've only just turned 30. I don't add salt much to my diet, i exercise fairly frequently, and currently i am not overweight.On the other hand, I am in a stressful position and their is a family history of high blood pressure. So what are my options here? 

1) Age - not a factor. Being 30 is not a reason to have high blood pressure and i cannot change my age anyway

2) Salt intake - i do not add a lot of salt to my diet, but it is hidden in so many foods now, including 'healthy' pre-packaged stuff, so i am possibly eating more that I should from my food sources. So I aim to make over 90% of my diet come from non-prepackaged sources

3) Lack of exercise - I am great at going nuts for a week or two and then nothing for a week to ten days, so i really need to work on pacing myself and being more consistent

4) Overweight - not yet, but it is a darn close thing

5) Stress - i need to learn to manage this better, and also improve my sleep pattern. A lack of sleep 'stresses' the body, even if you do not feel it in the mind

6) Family history of high blood pressure - I cannot change this, but i CAN do everything in my power to try and avoid developing it. 

How did i get to this, when i have been blogging my goals? I know that is what you are thinking. The same thing that happens to people all the time. I looked at where I was a few years ago, happy healthy and fighting fit and realised i am so far removed from that, that is seems impossible to get back to that place. So instead of fighting, I sought comfort. And i lied to myself. 

I has got to the point where i spend as little time as possible looking the in the mirror. But their is one mirror you cannot avoid. Your parents. I've popped home for a weekend visit and I am met with the vision of my mother, the person perpetually on a diet and failing. I see how large she is, how slow she has became, she is a shadow of her formed self in so many respects. The truth is staring at me from the sofa. If I do not change, i am destined to become my mother. 

I need to avoid the cake and people who encourage me to eat it. I need to block out the negativity from people who say 'you don't have time', or 'you can't do it' - this actually speaks volumes about their own limitations, they are attempting to off load on to you, to make themselves feel better. I need to develop a plan and have a goal. I have an overall goal of how much i would like to loose, i also looked for pictures for motivation and came across this beauty on the web:

Wow!! And Who said size deosn't matter!

And then i found this! I'd like to loose more than 20lbs, but i was genuinely surprised at how much fat 20lbs is!! 

Fatty fatty, fat fat

So i have started with these few goals:

• 3 gym workouts a week minimum, but no more than five
• 2 spin classes a week minimum, but no more than 3
• 6 days a week for running - i neither care about distance or time, it is all about moving
• 1 day a week of pure rest - read a book, do some gardening, walking some beauty spots, but nothing that really tires me out!

Their will be judo on top and i want to fit in either some yoga or meditation time to try and deal with the stress levels. In addition to this i have signed up to a 10 day programme where you are given a new green smoothie to try every day either with or as a meal replacement to try and top up my nutrients and energy levels. Oh and cut the *crap*. It is time to invest in whole foods.  

Now i am being brutally honest here, my motivation is at an all time low. But I am determined to make it through a week of doing these things!!! If I can make it through one week and see a positive change, then i hope this will build my motivation to continue along the path of self improvement.  It is my hope that by the next time my PT does a body MOT at the end of April, i will have lost 5lbs (just over a pound a week, a healthy amount to loose) and that my fat levels will have decreased and most importantly that my blood pressure will have came down. 

So everything is in place. I have a massive food delivery coming to my house Sunday night, so I am going to use my two remaining days visiting the parents are a reminder of how i don't want to eat (my body is a temple right?) and where i DO NOT want to end up in 20 years time (or earlier!). 

So check back in four weeks for an update!!!

Turning 30 in Paris........and what comes next.

Easter weekend I celebrated a landmark birthday - turning the big 30. 

I, quite notoriously amongst my friends, do not have typically good birthday's. Breaking bones, family members passing. So this year i was determined to do things a little differently. Instead of waiting for the day to pass, I wanted to go away. Mercifully a good friend of mine came to the rescue. Being a student means money is tight and trying to go away over Easter is not the cheapest time of year. But my dear friend suggested her home city of Paris. All I needed was to pay for flights and have some spending money.

PARIS!! 

What a beautiful and vibrant city it is, with so much culture and history! 

Day 1 was marked by a trip to Versailles. Pictures do not do that palace justice, it is HUGE. We spent a glorious 7 hours wandering around the palace and the exquisite gardens. In mostly glorious sunshine, the water features were mesmerising to watch. 

Day 2: we ventured into Paris. Wandering all over the city, we started at the Trocadero, taking pictures of the famous landmark of France, the Eiffel Tower. From there we walked down the Seine, taking in the sights. Walking past the Grand Palace, seeing the Champs Elysee and Arc De Triomphe, then wandering down to the place de la Concorde, passing through a peaceful garden to the Carrousel de Lourve and the Pyramide de louvre. We then wandered some of the back streets and found a quaint restaurant for lunch before moving on the the Notre Dame Cathedral and the Justice Palace and the flower market. As beautiful as you could imagine. We meandered to the Centre Pompidou before walking back across the city to see the Opera house! Absolutely marvellous, but exhausting day!

Day 3: We were less adventurous and visited the Sacre Coeur and the surrounding areas. Such a bustling part of Paris, a very beautiful area, with talented street artists, and the obligatory tourist shops, all selling art work, mass produced oil paintings. Whilst they are nothing of value a few caught my eye and I have purchased them as reminders of the lovely weekend. Sacre ceour itself is a beautiful whist stoned church with some of the most intricate art work inside. The colours are so vibrant and alive. The view from the top of the hill of Paris is breath taking, with the sun appearing at the most perfect moment. 

Day 4: It rained at lot. Until we got on the Plane that was. 

A truly remarkable way to spend a birthday in lovely company, and my friend arranged a surprise at the airport with a mutual friend joining us for the brief vacation! 

Sadly as always, the return home is met with a return to reality!! And a huge pile of laundry that i didn't bother to do before i went!! 

 

And home to a few facts. Several family members haven't bothered to remember my birthday (you know, the type that will create a massive fuss if you forget theirs - we all know someone like that). And a wake up call from my Personal Trainer. We did a full body MOT just before Easter. My body fat has remained the same as previous measurements, but my weight has gone up a lot and more worryingly my blood pressure is rather high (though i got this tested after my short break and it is ok - but it could be better). This is evidence that the approach i was taking to life and training isn't working for me. So i will be drawing up a new battle plan. 

Watch this space! 

How hard is it to be healthy?

In a society that lives on media, surrounded by a wealth of information, you would think that being healthy is the easiest thing ever right? Fancy eating something different? google it. Fancy a new work out? google it. Want inspiration? Google it or buy a fitness magazine. Heck their is Instagram, facebook, twitter and numerous other sites you can visit for information.

But what happens when you scratch beneath the surface? When instead of inspiration or something new, you want facts and solid, reliable information? Well, so far my answer is. Confusion.

Since the beginning of the year i have been trying to get healthy, to be in the best shape possible. So far I have learnt this means eating the same boring food over and over again. Getting so bored you fall off the wagon and eat your way through a large bag of crisps, several cakes and innumerable chocolate bars. Not exactly conducive to the task of becoming the best possible version of me.

So I started reading around 'macros', how much protein, carbs and fat i need to consume on a daily basis. How to calculate this. When to eat. You name it. And frankly, every single website I go to tells me something different. Some say you have to be completely organic, others say the answer relies on taking supplements with every meal. The problem here is the overwhelming amount of information. But not only is there 'too much' but we the readers, actually don't know how reliable the websites are.

So I went back to meal hunting, and realised basically i need to live off salads all year round to lose weight. Anything that sounds nice and different has ingredients that are either impossible to get hold of, or cost a blinking fortune (on a student budget here, my favourite shops are lidl and wilko).

So i want to be healthy, but what is healthy? Surely eating right is only one part of it (though i realise a big part of it) i exercise a lot and am not seeing many changes. So what makes us healthy? A BMI of 18.5-25? A waist to hip ratio of 0.8 or less? These things are taken as gosiple. But the latest research tells us this may not be so. And perhaps rightly. I'm sure we all know a person that is pretty muscluar, but by conventional measurments would be classes over weight. I have a friend who is a personal trainer, he is quite the specimen of fitness. With a BMI very close to 25 he is techinically 'healthy' yet the doctor (without really noting how he looks or his job) has told him to lose 11kg. Erm yeah, do-able if we chop of a leg...

All this information overload has left me questioning what it actually is to be healthy. How easy it is in a modern day to be the healthy individual? I'm finding it very hard. The information is conflicting and overwhelming. All this superfood non-sense. Just tell me, healthy or not? Sadly until I figure this all out, I think my goal of losing weight and being the healty, toned individaul i want will stay off piste.

Martial Arts Mania!

It has been a fantastic week at the University of Nottingham!! Not only has my lab work gone well (makes a change for sure!) but it has also been Martial Arts Week!!

Held annaully in February, it is a week where anyone in the university can come and try any of the martial arts the university has to offer for FREE. No memberships are required. Just rock up and give it a go!

The University of Nottingham has a good choice of martial arts:

• JKD
• Wing Chun kung Fu
• Judo
• Jiu jitsu
• Taekwondo
• Thai Boxing
• Boxing
• Karate
• Aikido
• Capoeiro 
• BJJ 
• MMA

I have been studying Judo for 5 years now and I think it is a good sport for learning discipline, focus and is is a great way to blow off steam. More info about Clubs in the UK can be found here British Judo.

I have in the past also tried BJJ.  But ever eager to try new things, I went along to a few sessions to find out what they were about.

Wing Chun, Karate and Thai Boxing were my top three to try. Wing Chun Kung Fu was great!! Lots of movement, it is a martial art that really gets your movements flowing. Punching and blocking punches were the tastes of the session. I felt as a 1 hour introduction it was really great and the atmosphere was buzzing.

Karate was a full taster session. Lots of form drills and learning to punch in a manner similar to Wing Chun. A bit of basic sparing was taught. I also learnt that karate does do some ground work, which got me quite excited. Wasn't aware of that!! Again a really fun bunch of people.

Thai boxing turned out to the most popular of the taster sesssions! The room was so packed that accidently knocking people was inevitable! Three or four people to one set of pads. The atmosphere was serisouly electric. Rumour has it they have mental fitness sessions!

All the session were fun, welcoming and interesting. I firmly believe their is a martial art for everyone.

To end the week, all martial arts were invited to go and play laser tag!! Brilliant!! What better way to spend the weekend and shows what a fabulous social atmosphere our clubs all have.

On a judo note, this weekend was also the paris grandslam in Judo, which i got to watch plenty of. Nice to see team GB bring home two bronze medals!! Nice one guys!

Training all out

Meh, last week was far from great. I ate too much cake (very tasty though) and only trained four times, but three days on from a PT session led leg day and i still can't walk normally. 

For a change I have not stood on the scales nor took any measurements. I did something worse. I tried on every item of clothing in my wardrobe. Yeah. Not much fits. It was a very depressing experience. 

That being said, it has made be determined to up the ante this week and train like a beast. Whilst the PT is away I have no-one to hold me back from over-training. (Worry not, I still plan to have at least one rest day. Got to love Sundays)

So to up the beast mode, I have designed a meal plan, with much reduced gluten, dairy and processed sugar. And before you think I'm doing this ALL for weight loss, i suffer badly with IBS and I don't know the cause, so I'm trying to see if reducing gluten and dairy intake helps me a bit. Obviously processed sugar is pretty bad, so yeah, that is a fat loss thing ;) 

Below is a copy of everything i plan to eat and train, oh and at uni, this week is Martial Arts Week, so I plan on trying lots of new martial arts, but still make time for at least one Judo session.

Nb. my week starts on a Saturday because that is when i food shop, but clearly the fun begins tomorrow...MONDAY is ALWAYS the day to take on a challenge. 

See what you guys think, any suggestions are welcome as are requests for any recipes for above.

What do you think? Over-training or manageable??

Beast mode is enabled!!!

Bipolar depression. Beyond the sufferer.

What do you think of when you hear the words bi-polar depression? Crazy person? A person so miserable they can't get out of bed? Someone who doesn't care about how they dress or look. 

Bipolar depression is a medical disorder where the sufferer has periods of extreme depression followed by periods of mania. 

You think the person's mood goes in waves of 'highs' and 'lows'. This is an over simplification of the issue. 

My mother is bipolar, has been since my teenage years. I've seen her during her 'highs'. Frankly it is worryingly impressive. Her energy is incredible, she can have the house cleans in a trice. She zooms around like she runs on energizer batteries. So why do I worry? Well, i cannot tell you the number of times i've stopped her walking out in front of cars. In her mind, she can stop them, in her mind, she is going to cross the road and NOTHING will stop her. 

But this isn't a wave we ride with frequency. More often than not we see her stuck at the bottom of a very black hole. She spends 14 hours a day in bed, she lives by routine, household chores are too much energy, even eating a meal is too difficult. She'd rather go out and have it made for her. 

Now I have the greatest sympathy with anyone suffering with mental health. I've seen it and their is a lot of help out there. So before i go further, i want to say if you, or anyone you know is suffering depression. You are not alone and their really are people/places you can turn to for help. I write from the UK as such i can say they best people to talk too are your GP, use the NHS, use the charity MIND. 

However, i write this post, not as someone who suffers, not as someone you knows what this illness is like. But as someone who has seen it in a loved one, as someone who has been a carer. And let me tell you, Bipolar is bad enough the person afflicted, but it is truly awful for the family as well. Children become carers, partners suffer. Your partner is put up on, until they are drained and exhausted and suffering themselves. Your children may end up suffering from depression to an extent. They may experience friends turning their backs on them, because they can't understand, they can't deal. 

Depression is still a poorly understood illness. The toll is paid not only by the person that suffers, but by the family as well. Your life will never be normal is you are waiting, on tender hooks, constantly for the phone to ring to say they have put themselves in hospital again from self-harming.

Here is my message. If YOU are dealing with someone that suffers a mental health problem. You are not ALONE. And as hard as it is, be a little selfish and look after yourself, make sure you get help if you need it, make sure you have people that you can trust and talk to. Make sure that you are never so affected that you risk developing mental health problems yourself. That is a deep black hole that is hard to get out of. BELIEVE ME. Take up running, go to the gym, do something, do whatever it takes, to make sure you remain the person you are. 

Stay strong. 

Stay Healthy.

The misconceptions of PhD students

In the two years I have been studying for my doctorate, I have came across numerous misconceptions. It could just be a UK thing for all I know. But recently It has been thoroughly irritating me.

So here they are:

1. I will be a doctor at the end of the process (correct) - therefore i can be asked in passing about medical issues. This is  HUGE bugbear of mine. All doctors are not created equal. I will not be a medical doctor as I have not done a medical degree. I will be a doctor of science (rather generic no?). It seems that beyond academia people do not understand the difference. I am tired of explaining the difference and it is putting me off using my hard earned title (assuming I pass my viva)
2. I get 16+ weeks holiday a year - basically people think everyone at university, gets stupid long holidays. NOT true (though lord above, I wish it was). A PhD is a job. You get 25 days holiday a year. No more, no less. 
3. I have exams all the time - whilst this is true for some universities, it is not the case for me, I have one massive oral exam at the end. Please don't ask me about this, it is a source of much stress. 
4. I only do a few hours a day - again, this might be true for a few students. But most of use treat this like a job, a 40hr + a week job. Yes sure, I may leave work at 4pm. But I am at work for 7am. Some days i do stupid hours, for example, last Friday i did an 11 hour day. And I often work  extra hours at the weekend. 
5. Your supervisors know what you are doing - definitely not true, sometimes you get one that is completely clueless, so clueless it leaves you bemused as to why he is your supervisor. They often have no idea what it takes, experimentally, to get the work done. 
6. You can have no life - sadly this is a fight, most students will loose. I fight very hard for gym time (it keeps me sane) and a bit of judo time (well some social interactions is required) but general outings with friends do go by the by a bit. It is sad and takes a person far better than myself, with more energy to be perfectly social.
7. Experiments will always work the second time  - PAH! This is science. Sometimes it doesn't work, because for reasons beyond explanation, it bloody well doesn't want to
8. You supervisor is 'shit' on you occasssionally - it happens.  Sadly you just have to deal. Not really any different to having a boss. 
9. You are paid well - Utter rubbish. Whilst those of us on Stipends do get this tax free, it is well below the national average. In 2014 the National average wage was £26,500. Most PhD students get paid around £13-14, 000. Yeah. That's right. Peanuts. Most of us live hand to mouth, savings are a thing of dreams. And no, before you ask, it doesn't increase in line with a rise in minimum wage. For the whole of your PhD you will see ZERO change in your income. Oh and as soon as you submit, your stipend stops. So have that job ready, but remember, re-writes and corrections will then been done, unpaid, in your own time. 

So their we have it. 9 Points. All of which I have had to answer/deal with this week. Despite this. I do like my PhD and as hard, difficult, depressing as it can be. I will be grateful on the day i wear my cap and gown, that i have done this.

The angst of listening to others lose weight - week 2 and zero gains.

What a great week!! I've been to the gym four times in seven days, weight trained on each occasion and even gotten back into my spin classes. :) Hit a new PB on the squat rack of 60kg! I've eaten less processed sugar and more fruit and veg!! ALL GOOD. So why when i stand on the scales have i gained a pound?!

It is not fair. I listen to my friends in the staff room who have all started Slimming World or Weightwatchers whom in the first week have lost 5lbs each! 5lbs!!! I'm like, but you are only dieting?! I'm eating better and exercising and in week two I have gained the pound i lost in the first week!! WHAT THE DEUCE AM I DOING WRONG HERE?? I have literally lost nothing, not each an centimetre off my waist.

So i sit back and think. OK. Well my goal is bodybuilding, so maybe I've gained a pound of muscle. That can happen in a week right? I mean i have no idea, honestly, if that is even possible. i suspect that i would be delusional to think I can gain a pound of muscle mass in a week. I have loads of fat to lose so what is going on?

It has been a real knock to my confidence. I cannot lie, it took me a while to climb out of bed this morning and i experienced a lot of negative thoughts. I have finally plucked up the courage to take a picture of my body:

Plenty to be working with. I have came up with two options.

1. I'm not doing enough cardio to burn fat
2. I'm eating better, but eating to many carbs and calories in general

This is something for me to work on this week. Cardio I can do something about, indeed I have booked in for 3 Spin classes this week. In addition to weight training. I will attempt yet again to improve my diet. But with out the advice of a nutritionist I am not sure how much improvement i can make on my own, whilst their is a lot of information on the Internet, sometimes it is too much and too contradictory. And as a student, a nutritionist is out of my price range. Which leaves me to figure this out for myself.

But let me end this blog on a positive note. For their is positives to be taken from this week.

1. I am making an effort to improve my health
2. I 'feel' stronger - which i like
3. I have more energy
4. I have less spots - adult acne is a pain, and this week not one new spot (jinxed it now I'm sure)
5. I am happier - perhaps not in my body, but in my mind - and this is a big and important change.

I hope, you, my readers, are keeping to your resolutions. And having more success than myself. If you have any nutritional advice that is cool, i would totally appreciate it.

And remember. Not all changes occur on the outside. 

Week 1 - change has begun

What a week!! Anyone else body clock having issues resetting to stupidly early mornings?? 

This week has been all about finding my feet, ready for the big progess and changes ahead of me. I have cooked healthy meals, ate healthy snacks (this is super hard as i still have christmas chocolate in my house!) and started to figure out my exercise program. 

I have genuinely enjoyed cooking healthy this week, mostly becuase it has been easy and after the excess of christmas, a welcome change to my body. I've enjoyed quorn chicken stir fry, wholewheat spagetti bolognase and my favourite dish was chicken wrapped in bacon. This dish is healthy, tasty and worked out at less than 50p a portion for the meat!!! I was so impressed I am going to share the receipe:

• Packet of chicken thighs or breast
• Packet of bacon - cut the fat off
• 1 large orange - grate the rind and juice
• 1 large lemon - grate the rind and juice
• oregano
• chilli powder
• garlic
• parika

 Wrap each piece of chicken in one rasher of bacon. Mix the juice and rind of the lemon and orange with three crushed garlic cloves, 1 tsp of parika, 2 tsp of chilli powder and 1/2 tsp of oregano. Pour over the chicken and bacon and marinade for at least an hour. Cook at fan 180 for 50 minutes or until juices run clear. Serve with brown rice and side salad. Absolutely delicious!!

I've been to the gym and let me tell you after three weeks of barely moving my butt, those classes were a killer. FTR circuits and abs core and flex on day and a bike class that left me wanting to vomit another. Of course my goal is to become ripped (well at least develop some muscles) so i've done weight training and also been to judo (again vomit worthy session). In order to really hit my goals this year, I headed to the gym to see my PT and talk throuhg what i wanted to do. He gave me three separate programmes to work specific areas of my body and then put my booty through its paces. 48 hrs later and descending stairs still presents a challenge. 

Change has began and progress is in motion. I hope you have all enjoyed  the first week of January and that your resolutions are on track. Tomorrow i'll put up my new stats (weight loss or gain?? what do you think?) and guys try the receipe!!

Body Sculpting - The starting Point

So the results are in.

The starting point of my journey has been measured on the scales and with measuring tape. And i cannot believe i am putting this all in a blog for the whole blinking internet to see. I hope this gives me the motivation to persist and reach my goal (and motivate others too!)

Weight: 67.8kg (150.2 lbs or 10st 9.4 lbs depending on your system)
BMI:24.31

Waist: 91.5cm
Right Thigh: 59.5cm
Left Thigh: 57cm
Chest: 95.5

Picture: Ok NOT confident enough to put one up, perhaps when i have made progress!

Verdict - I'm a fatty lumpkin. Urgh. Lumpy Bumpy body. But think looking preggars when definitely not. This, THIS, is my starting point. Let us take a moment to look at the figures. BMI is 24.31...25+ is considered overweight. My waist is 91.5cm, healthy is considered below 80cm. My waist to hip ratio is 0.87, again healthy is considered 0.85 or below for women. So it is obvious that really i'm not all that healthy. I stand to gain much by training and eating right.

To that end, the last few days has included batch cooking and a meal plan has been actioned. The house has been decluttered, a clean and tidy house means one thing to get less stressed over. I've pruned, preened and cleaned myself, I might be a tubby little lady at the moment, but their is little point changing the inside if outside you look in a mirror and still feel miserable about what you see. I'm trying to look after myself better in all aspect of my life and that includes looking at myself and feeling ok about what i see.

At fairly regular intervals I will post updates on my journey to transform this lard arse to lean machine. At some point i will get my friend (a gym trainer) to take additional body measurements, including, fat%, Blood pressure, heart rate etc.

And so on that note, it is time to hit the gym and get a sweat on!! 

2016 - A fresh start

Hello 2016 and Happy New Year!!!

I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas and fun filled, slightly over indulgent New Year celebrations!

I have had a nice relaxing Christmas, lots of food (far too much) and alcohol. Good company, good TV and a few games (I won at Scrabble for the first time ever!). And now I am facing with the beginning of a Brand New Year.

I LOVE New Year. The 1st of january screams a fresh start to me. The days are slowly getting longer, the weather, well the weather remains balmy (cheers el nino and global warming), the lifeless plants begin to awake and green shoots start to appear and trees begin to blossom. Every issue, every struggle of the past year, is offically in the past. It is an opportunity to make a change, to set new goals, aim for new heights. Have new experiences, meet new people and go new places. All of these things, can of course, be done at any point in the year, but for some reason to me, it always feels as though the start of a new year means any ambition is completely achieveable.

In a previous post i set out my goal to sculpt my body. This remains my goal. In a few days when i have plucked up the confidence i will put up a brutally honest blog with pictures. I'll put my weight and measurements up. I'll hide nothing. I'm not going to lie, i do not look great. To create the best version of me by my 30th Birthday is my resolution.

But I have other goals to achieve. I want my brown belt in Judo. To run my second half marathon, to run a 10k in under 50 minutes. To learn to have guilt free time, where i actually rest, a day where i do not go to the gym, where i do not do PhD work (unless completely unavoidable), where i enjoy tidying the garden and growing my own food, or curl up on the sofa and read a nice book. Or just to go out with friends for a coffee or lunch and not worry about everything that is waiting for my attention. Honestly I am probably going to find this more difficult to achieve than sculpting my body! I'm not good at going guilt free.

I hope that you all have a fabulous new year!!