2020 - The year of unspoken repercussions

 A summary of the year 2020: IT IS SO FULL OF SHIT.

 

2020 is a year people have lost a lot.   

Many people have lost friends or family members to COVID-19. Others have lost their jobs. At some point the majority of us will have lost our freedom thanks to lockdown. 

In short their is nothing special, or unusual about my story. At the beginning of the year I was told my position would be turned into a 18month fixed term contract, an opportunity i was much excited about. It offered exciting science, a travel opportunity or two, and a much needed period of stability. Hell, getting a dog and looking at buying my own house. By the end of June, i was jobless, had to move in with friends (that don't realy want me in their house, they were just being nice), no help from Universal Credit and a poorly puppy. COVID-19 took away the rug from underneath my feet. 

It has been a soul destroying experience. Five days notice of having no job was bad, but their was no 'sorry, it is out of my hands', no 'thanks for everything you have done, this isn't the outcome i hoped for'. It wasn't acknowledged. I was left feeling as though all my hard work wasn't appreciated at all, that i wasn't valued. And to boot, i have barely heard from any of my former work colleagues who called themselves my friends. 

But the worst bit, it isn't losing my job, or crappy rental. It is losing my voice. Literally and Figuratively. Literally, because COVID isn't done yet, i have no money to go anywhere and even if i did, life is far from normal - where would i go, whom would i talk to? I spend most days home alone, talking to no-one, and when my friends get home from work they don't want to talk to me, they want a drink and bed. Or to chill in peace, I can literally spend a whole day, and say less than one hundred words. So why figuratively? because when you are unemployed, not only do the 'friends' ignore you, you innately become an unvalued member of society. No-one wants to listen to your opinion because 'you don't work'. You are valued less because people see you as 'a waster' or lazy. To have value you must have a job, you must earn your place. 

So bosses, employers, please if you have to let people go, do it kindly, take the time to tell the person they were valued and appreciated, highlight what skills you think they were good at - it might help them write a CV or answer an interview question.

Friends, take the time to check in a bit more with those you do not see often. Send a letter, text, GIF. Anything to remind them they are not alone.   

I'm sorry, I've nothing else to give.

I'm sorry, I have nothing else to give. 

I've been feeling this way for a while. It's not depression. I've been there and it isn't that (or at least i hope not, the symptoms are different). It is literally a case of 'I have nothing else to give'. In other words, i've reached peak capacity. Mental saturation. I can do no more. 

I'm a final year PhD student. I have one fantastic supervisor and 1 that i can deal with, and 1 hellish one (the latter two alternate positions, frequently). One supervisor, the industry one, is a fun kettle of fish. I go on place for a few days, every week or so. I thought no-one spoke to me because i was new, they were busy and well, maybe not the most welcoming of people. Turns out, they are a lot nicer when the supervisor isn't around. This person thinks, 4:30am - 10pm days (that includes the commute) is acceptable. Has told me that they are not my supervisor, keep you waiting over two hours, just because. Gives you a lecture on eating right and exercising whilst not letting you leave until 7pm and not getting lunch until 3pm. I found out on my last visit, the quality of supervision is so good that generally people quit. Cool beans right?! 

Yeah, okay, education, it's tough but worth it. Or so i'm told. It is a lot of hard work. In addition to this, I'm trying really hard to run a judo club. The problem is, i'm the president without being the president. I'm trying to organise shit, but people aren't helping, or forthcoming with information. I can name the number of times on one hand the president and treasurer have actually turned up to training this year. I'm trying to sort competitions, awards, next years committees. It really doesn't matter how much i do, people always want more. Comp not sorted..do it. People not purchased tickets for awards?....get on it. Need to sort a new committee....oh wait. No one wants to stand. Culture of money for nothing. 

On top of this, i'm trying to deal with my own goals. Judo...i think i did okay here. Running, scratch that, not enough time. Gym...beginning to suffer. Dragonboating...once a month, if i'm lucky. Next week i bury my grandmother, which i have to write a few words for, i'm still waiting on news regarding my 2yr old cousin that has a brain tumour.

So, i'm really sorry guys, but i've reached the end. I've reach the maximal stretch of my emotional and intellectual band. Don't get me wrong, i've had some cracking experiences so far this year: Vet ball, hiking in the peak, BUCs, indoor skydiving. Some memorable activities.

But, here i stand saying, i have reached the capacity of my bandwidth. I can juggle no more balls. I'm actually dropping a fair few. I'm incapable of taking on external information, i don't know what is going in the world, I cannot keep up with politics, nor follow how the NHS is being slowly eroded. Current affairs? Not a chance. Mate i can't even keep my house clean and tidy.

Please know, that I am doing my best and if that isn't enough for you, then tough shit. If i don't answer a message, or email, or plan an activity, it's not that i don't care, or want to do something with you. It is really a case of i cannot take any more on. I'm fighting to keep my head above the water, fighting the urge to self-isolate in order to self-preservate. I need my friends more than ever (and maybe a hug) but temporarily i have nothing else to give. 

Please bare with me until normal service is resumed.

All hallow's eve, time to let the gremlins out

Personal diary entry - 31st October 2016

Their is so much in life that I do not understand. Like how someone like me can feel so empty, so very hopeless, how can I feel so utterly powerless in my own life?

That is largely how i feel, as though I'm not really present, drifting through life, yet oddly chained to the here and now. I can laugh outwardly, the second I stop, I'm hollow.

I'm okay around a few people, those that know I have squirrels in my head, but beyond that I want to be alone, yet I hate being alone, I am overwhelmed by lethargy.

Then their are the thoughts, I can keep myself physically busy, but at the end of the day consider myself to not have worked hard enough. I'm not a success. I don't have time to do an experiment. Failure. Skip a gym session. Failure. Not able to master a new throw at judo. Failure. Can't lose weight. Definitely a FAILURE. I'm not good enough, professionally, athletically or personally. I am not good enough for another human, not worthy of being in a relationship. I'm not funny, attractive or smart. 

And it is self perpetuating. A few negative thoughts here become gremlins there. They feed you more thoughts. And then your sleep becomes fucked up and so you stress more and make more gremlins and sleep even less.

And having read the above, how much of that is even coherent? That is my head. All of the damn time.

Massive bout of depression mingled with imposter syndrome. 

PhD apathay or something darker?

Every PhD student you will ever meet, at some point will admit. They just want the PhD over with. They are, tired, bored, drained, skint, apathetic and more. The process is tedious, devoting 3 or 4 years solidly to one subject. Knowing that all you need is something novel. Not groundbreaking, because realistically very little of science is ground breaking stuff. But something Novel, previously unknown or a new twist on an old concept. But that field of study is so narrow that at some point you just want to stop and breathe.

Well, three years into the PhD process, with one more year to go. I am THERE. Disinterested in science, or learning, unmotivated and bored. Yep I've reached the top of the sigmoid and I'm lying on the plateau.

None of this greatly surprised me. After all many of my currently social group have been through the process and have experienced the 'wall', then the linear phase followed by the burnout plateau. What has surprised me is how hard I've been hit. Over the last few weeks, well, the best metaphor would be a head slowly exploding against a concrete wall. 

In reality, I'm disinterested in science, suffering a loss of appetite, feeling sick when i do eat and sleeping excessively and suffering some memory loss (for the love of god where are my keys!). And most worryingly I don't want to exercise, no Judo (less of a surprise given my anxiety issues with it), running can jog on and gym is a no go. I alternate between wanting to cry and just sit in a chair and stare listlessly into space for hours. Now the real is....Is this really just PhD burnout or something worse. As a Panther surrounded her entire life by the blackness of depression affecting family members and later on being diagnosed myself, it is very hard for me to differentiate between the two situations. 

One is a life debilitating situation that can cause a rapid alteration in mental health the other is a passing phase that just needs to be slogged through. Friends have helped me to see I need a break (i suck at relaxing), those friends I can count on (others it turns out recently, basically suck - get rid of those, they cannot be relid on and often bring subconcious negativity into your life) and they have stepped up to the mark in ways that i am greatful for, but do not have the words to express. The other is the get the family members you trust in your corner. For me, my mother is a no go. She has severe mental health problems and i'm like a sponge when it comes to he. Sadly, despite 3 of them, i'm not close to my brothers either. So i chose my dad, forever in my corner, forever my rock. But i also chose my aunt, she got her husband through the PhD process and has seen the strain first hand. Their emotional support is invaluable. But these guys, they proof read my work and they feed me when i can't feed myself. I hope to keep going and finish this process, i hope to make them proud and i hope to pay them back one day. 

This post, for the PhD student. Whatever you feel in the darkest moments of wanting to quit are normal. Find your support network. And the second you feel it isn't normal emotions you are feeling get help. Mental health remains a silent issue in many areas of society. 

Their is no shame in needing help, the help of friends, family or medical.

Here is a cute doggie picture to cheer you up! (well it made me smile)

 

Time to kick it up a gear.

Summer is here and the sun is shining (well between the downpours - this is Britain after all). It is time to top up the vitamin D levels, slip on that bikini and feel good about life.

Not actually me, but you get the idea

Except. I don't have a bikini body. Not even remotely comfortable in a bikini. Not even comfortable in a swimming costume at the pool. Frankly you are much more likely to see me like this > 

Hidden in a tent.  

Gym life is going well. Training is challenging, but progressing nicely. Muscle is being built and VERY slowly, but surely, body fat is creeping down. :)  Being the impatient person that I am, this lovely, positive change isn't happening fast enough. Not only is my body (rudely) not changing over night, but I am becoming beset my aches and pains and the dreaded exhaustion. Whoo!! Nothing like all the annoying things. 

Having had a few chats with my gym trainers, it has slowly dawned on me that I train too much. I have known this, but for the first time it is really sinking in. I TRAIN TOO MUCH. And what happens when you over train? Your body, which suffers a little bit of temporary damage every time you hit the gym (or other forms of exercise) is unable to heal efficiently. People react differently to over training:

•  Some suffer fatigue, 
• Others actually lose strenght and fitness, 
• Constant soreness,
• You can pick up illnesses easier, 
• Some people even suffer from burnout, which can affect some individuals mental health quite badly. 

Me? Well i suffer the fatigue and loss of fitness and strenght - therefore i train harder and end up going in circles until i crash. Joyous. Well no, not really.  Anyway, this knowledge coupled with the whole, 'i know i don't really eat that well' but i'll not be honest with myself has led to this point. The realisation that need to do both less and more. 

Why Less?

Doing a HIIT class followed by Judo - explosive followed by explosive. No wonder my explosive abilities die ten minutes into Judo. My muscles are done in. 

Spin, run and maybe weights - Stamina, stamina and of wait more stamina. Yeah no good either. 

Time to tailor my training more. Summer is the perfect opportunity. Judo slows down a bit, which is a great opportunity to mix it up, start training for a half marathon (following an actual plan - big deal for me - for the next 13 weeks), fitting my gym time around this. Then Judo around that. Keeping one day for pure rest and two lighter days to aid recovery.

Why do more?

It is time to put a darn sight more effort into my nutrition. A girl can't run a half marathon on poor nutrition. A girl can't hit her Judo ambitions (low level) with out energy in the tank. 

I've taken a bit of time to read about nutrition, calorie intake and macros (can strongly recommend heidi powell's blog. So it is time to, not only train like a pro, but eat like one too. 

My plan is simple. Consume 1555Kcal per day, of which 40% will come from carbs (trying to keep away from bread - it hates me), 35% will be protein and 25% fats. This isn't right for everyone, indeed i may need to tweak this myself. And I totally intend on having a cheat day once a week so stop me going nuts and having a chocolate binge. 

Summer is here, and it is time to kick it up a gear. 

 

Live a little and try something new!

Summer has arrived!!!

As this is the UK, summer has predictably been a few sunny days and lots of wet and windy ones, thanks Global warming! (Sarcasm)

Regardless, the increased number of dry spells brings to my mind the opportunity to get outdoors!! Make a break from being couped up all of the time. This year I intend to make the most of being outdoors by trying new things.

1) Gardening.

I have a teeny weeny garden. With two large plants and a small plot of soil 1m by 2m. The rest is paving. Perfect and low maintenance. That being said looking at two plants and paving is pretty boring, so this year I have put some colour into the garden. (You will quickly note, i am not a botanist). Some pots have been purchased and in these i have placed fuchsias and lavenders and some supposedly pretty coloured flowers whose name escapes me.

In the small plot i am attempting to grow some produce. This fits quite nicely with my attempts to get healthier. I have peas, garlic, onions, carrots, Brussels, lettuces, fennel, mixed herbs, pumpkins, courgettes, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and strawberries in my tiny plot. All growing with mixed success. It would seem that onions and garlics are really easy!! From the looks of things, another few weeks and fresh organic produce will be making it onto my plate!!

My little green plot

2) Dragon Boating.

I know, I know, you are all wondering dragon boating is. Well here is a picture. 22 people on a boat, one steering, one on the drum and 20 paddling!! I joined a brand new club and we so far have 8 regulars!! Anyone interested in giving it ago should definitely look up a local club...

Picture taken from the web

The history of the sport can be found on wikipedia: Dragon-boat

It is hard, sweaty work, with regular practises taking place on a river. So far my experiences have been blessed with good weather, so good I've came home with sunburn. It is a heck of a work out, on the arms and lower back. Great for your core and thoroughly enjoyable.

3) Croquet

A past time for posh people (at least literature would so have me believe). June the 5th is National Croquet day in England and my neighbour has been playing for years and invited me to her clubs open day. Life is all about new experiences, even if that involves hanging out with old folk. Yeah it might not seem cool, but old people are awesome and i don't care if you think i am cool, i'll do what i please. Again we have been blessed with mighty fine weather, so fine the sun added considerably to my sunburn. And literature is correct, the people at the club were incredibly posh. One felt, one ought to talk in a more clipped, appropriate manner. 

Hopefully with the continuation of good weather i'll be able to get out and try some other new activites, perhaps horse riding? Or competitive freezbie? Camping? The options are endless.

Happy summer!!

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly....

It has been a while since my last post.

Since then I have been working diligently at uni  on my research. After a run of good luck, a brick wall that was holding back my research has been smashed!!!!!!

Great news!! Other pieces of work are also slowly but surely generating results as well. 

Still i refuse to take this for granted, science can have a habit of lulling you in to a false sense of security only to suddenly stop playing ball.

Uni Gym.

I have been beasting it in the gym as well. PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE!!!

At my last body MOT, my weight had gone up a little (bad) however I had finally lost some fat!! In fact, since we started doing measurements it is now at the LOWEST it has ever been. Dropping half a percent. Not massive, but a very real and positive step in the right direction. All of my measurements show i am definitely gaining muscle and shredding!! WHOOP!!! The news gets better. My blood pressure is now normal!!! Granted it is on the cusp of what the medical profession call normal, but I'll take all the positive points that i can!! Since having the body MOT i have stood on the scales and they have indicated a small loss too!!! Extremely happy about this. 

When it comes to gym life, it is not lifting super heavy weights (I can now manage to squat 70kg - more than i weigh!) or big extravagant results that matter, it is the small improvements that i find to be significant. These small steps prove you are capable of change and spur you on to greater achievements. 

THE C WORD

From reading all of the above, you could be forgiven for thinking my life is nice and rosy right now. And I have to admit on paper, it isn't bad at all. But of course, life is not perfect. 

The volume of work, constant small pieces of misinformation, having to triple triple check everything, a supervisor that is a pro a not answering emails, undergraduates that believe your sole existence is to be your supervisors secretary/their minion, to clean up and re-stock after them. Yup. Feeling a shade annoyed and overwhelmed. 

Add to that.. Everyone else thinking they know YOUR limitations. Honey, I don't know what limitations are! But when they did their PhD, that was all they did. That and nothing else. They assume this is what everyone else needs to do, sitting on a committee is 'crap' and 'you need to focus on your work', you wont have time for the gym or judo, because you are doing a PhD. 

So much negativity. Truth is, if all i did was my PhD, then i would be really unhappy, i have never been the type of person to solely focus on one thing, i enjoy having hobbies...i might not always enjoy sitting on committees, but it is a good experience. 

One of my favourite quotes.

Let us face it, we've all experienced situations like this. 

So yes, i'm a tad annoyed. But then came something to really blow me out of the water. My Dad has been diagnosed with the big C.

CANCER

A word that one ever wants to hear. Luckily it is prostate cancer. I say lucky because recovery rates for this are really good. We are waiting for more tests. So for now I will say no more, other than it is a shock. 

If you would like to know more about prostate cancer, please click on the following link: http://prostatecanceruk.org/