Body image and self esteem - a modern day problem?

For quite sometime now, I have wanted to write a blog post on Body Image. Like a lot of individuals I have always had low self esteem, resulting from negative body image. As I have grown older, it has became apparent that this phenomena is becoming increasingly common in all generations. Media clearly has a part to play in this, but I wonder with hindsight, how much nuture is involved as well. 

On a daily basis, one can  go to any online forum, facebook, twitter, even newspapers and see coverage of a persons 'selfie', or celebraties with 'the perfect figure'. This is, to a young impressionable individual, disheartening. They look in the mirror percieve they aren't as beautiful as their idols. They diet, by nice clothes, wear make up and yet the still feel inadequate. Which is arrant nonsense. But in a world obssessed with the shell of a person, inner beauty is all but ignored.

The nuture argument

Growing up, I was a lucky child in many ways. I had three older brothers, so I was a pretty solid Tomboy, immune to many girly things, like the colour pink, dolls, makeup etc. What I was not immune to were the subconcious messages from my mother. Tomboy or not, as a girl, your first role model is your mother. Mum was ALWAYS wanting to loose weight, ALWAYs trying to exercise and eat healthily, often attending a diet club of some description. This negative self-image must have sent a message to me, telling me that to have a negative image was the 'norm'. To pick out my faults. I have early memories at age 11, saying i wanted to go on a diet. I didn't like my tummy, I was too fat. 

I learnt this negative behaviour. Looking back it was apparent my mother learnt it from her mother. Has this behaviour really been going on for generations? 

I really think nuture has a lot to be said for it. Before you are even aware of social media, you pick up all sorts of messages from your environment. 

The impact of social media

In the last 10 years, social media has mainstreamed. literally everything is available at the push of a button. Billions of images. As technology has developed, so has our ability to lie, to decieve the public. 

I read an article this week in the papers, of a young teenager who had taken her own life, battled eating disorders for years, because she felt that relative to celebraties she wasn't pretty. Let me tell you this girl was stunning!!

It made me stop and think. Really think. How often do I look at pictures on social media and 'wish' I could look like that person, with perfect muscles and beautiful facial features? All the damn time! 

Kenny darling...you ain't fat like me.

So here it is, what I see when i look in the mirror. Too many spots for a (almost) 30 year old. Fat tum. Saggy boobs (without the kids to explain it), bigish bum (ok this i like), fat thighs. Basically FAT FAT FAT. 

The reality is somewhat different. Meh a few spots, make up can hide that. I have great blue eyes. No-one has yet complained about the boobies. My ass is amazing...my thighs, well yes they have padding, but the legs have ran a half marathon. And the belly, well yeah that is their, but I seem to notice it more than other people. Frankly, I am a healthy weight, I eat well, got good blood pressure and no long term, serious health problems. In fact. I am the PERFECT ME! 

So do i look like a superstar? NO. But do the superstars look as good as we think? 

The above picture, taken from Facebook is the same person, in the first picture they are sat down, in the second, stood up with 'nicer' lighting and some filters. It is THAT easy to lie. This happens all the time, the 'selfies' that are photoshopped, some are obviously, others less so. As a result we are all being subconciously fed lies about body image. 

It saddens me that so many young girls are affected, and increasingly so many young talented males too, are becoming increasingly obssessed with looking perfect. It sickens me that i fall for these tricks.

I ask all of you, to be mindful of what you see on the internet and if you have young children, to be careful what you say around them, inform them about how social media can be abused. We ALL need to learn to value ourselves the way we are, and to look inside and see our self worth. Loose 10lbs if you want to (i'm going to try) but do it for yourself and your health and not because you think you are imperfect. You are the only YOU on this planet. Unique, special and perfect they way you are.

Peace. x

Through the eyes of a child

Their is little in life as good as spending time with your family. To let them know you care and for them to care about you. Ah love!

Back from a four day break with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. And wow, am I shattered now! How much energy does a 10year old have?! Answer: far more than me.
It was a great break, minus the train issues (Britain train services leave a little to be desired). I was utterly spoilt. A meal out on the first evening. A large fry up for next day breakfast. A full roast dinner sunday night. Large lunch and dinners on monday (for breakfast, i was still digesting the previous days meals) and travelling home on the tuesday with a food baby. Heck Wednesday evening and still dealing with the food baby. I do not think i will eat a 'proper' meal this week. The sight of food.....

But it was a great break. We visited the Manchester museum of Science and Industry. Truly a great day out! Lots of interactive activities for the kids, and lets be honest the adults too, was running round after my nephew. We also went into the 4D cinema, surprisingly good! and around the areoplanes, but still we didn't get ot se everywhere. It was a great experience and something for all the family to do, and lots to be learnt.

I spent one wet day indoors watching my first 3D film. Frankly i think 3D is overrated. It is more annoying than anything and not particularly great. But in the evening. Well, my nephews excitement had nothing on me. I was treated to attend a live tapping of WWE!!!!! Oh yes!! Men in tiny pants!!! Hello!!!!! My life was made a little bit more complete on watching the Dudley boyz, Kane and especially The Undertaker!!!! Never thought i would see these guys live!!! It was amazing, the atmosphere was epic, the noise was insane, the whole event was incredible. And that was just the wreslting. I was utterly fascinated by the camera crews hanging from the rafters, the mobile team, the ring crew, the pyrotechnics! I spent equally as much time looking at that as i did the actual fights! Awesome.







It was fabulous. Spending that much time with my nephew was great. He is so passionate and curious about everything, so many questions. It was incredible to spend a few days seeing the world through he eyes. When one is so young and not yet jaded, the world is an exciting place, fully of life and colour and no responsibilites. Amazing. 

It was with a tired bump i cam back home. On a good note, i unwound enough for my blood pressure to come down. Though the nurse has decided i have other things that need fixing as well. She isn't wrong, but i pride myself on my British mentality of 'it'll mend in time, i don't need to see anyone about it'. Sometimes defeat is enevitable. On the other hand, i found my temporary reset button.

Life needs a reset button!

Is it just me or it is that time of year, where everyone feels tired? 

I have been feeling exhausted and demotivated for a good month or so now, not helped by the nights and morning really pulling in, and whilst Autumn remains uncharacteristically mild, it is pretty wet and miserable (ok - for england that is fairly normal). 

All of my PhD colleagues at the moment are in the same boat. Working a lot, achieving nothing and feeling shattered. Suddenly we have all realised that our PhD has become our entire lives, even when not at work, we are thinking about what needs to be done, timings, things we need to write. It has taken over everything and the balance has become warped. 

No judo, minimal gym, no running, and always feeling stressed and overwhelmed (as my blood pressure attests too!). My ability to eat a balanced diet....energy for that gone after Tuesday, desire to do anything...gone by Wednesday lunch. All experiments are failing, i can't keep on top of birthdays and christmas shopping, house chores or anything else. I'm seriously looking at my life, thinking what the deuce am i doing?! I mean at best, i am indifferent about my studies at worst i despise them, though i know in the end it will be worth it. Frankly i feel so busy, if i was juggling eggs, we'd be eating scrambled eggs off the floor right now!

Normally, i 'reset' myself with a good weekend. A cracking judo session, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, a lazy saturday and a soak in the bath with a good book and a large glass of wine. Tried this numerous times and the reset button is not working! 

So this weekend i'm going to try something different. Family time. Yes, go ahead, scoff, since when has spending time with the family meant relaxing and unwinding. Well to you sir/madam, I say this: first time for everything! 

Yup, travelling to Manchester (first time) and spending a long weekend with my brother and his family, going to the cinema, tenpin bowling, going for a nice sunday walk, doing something on monday and then, oh yes, wait for it:

GOING TO WATCH LIVE WWE!!

My inner teenager rejoices. With a bit of luck, watching semi-naked men, with muscles and tattoos might just rejuvenate my enthusiasm for life. 

Fingers crossed and watch this space! 

Peace. x

Ownership - the truth is staring at me in the mirror

Ownership. At some point in life we need to take some ownership.

It might be of the path your career is taking, it may be your financial situation, it may be taking control and ownership for some of the issues and problems in your life. Or as is my case, taking ownership of my health. 

Oh yeah folks, sorry it is one of those blogs. Woe is me. Ass is kicked. 

For over the last year or so, I've been feeling pretty damn exhausted, all of the time - where is my bed?! EXHAUSTED. I've also gained weight (around 10kg). I've sat back and blamed my tiredness and weight gain on PhD life. PhD being my life, and eating far too much cake and drinking far too many caramel lattes. Accepting that to eat this way and to feel this way is normal. Hey a PhD is seriously stressful, don't judge unless you are doing one! The hours are long and the rewards are few, so why not a donut now and then to keep going? Afterall the sugar will boost my energy.

It's not all bad, I'm sort of proactive about my health, i hit the gym at least 5 days a week, it is all about the quantity right? (yeah wrong!) I workout so much that i am permanently injured. So i mean weight gain, it isn't me, it is all about my stressful, unbalanced life. Logically, i know this to be a bunch of twaddle (great under-utilised word twaddle), but it has been all too easy to lay the blame elsewhere. I could blame my medication, but this has always felt like one lie too many to myself. 

I could have kept on lying, denying the truth, feeling disheartened that so much is going wrong in my life. PhD - not giving me results. Time and love for running - disappeared into the ether, enjoyment of Judo - what even is judo?! I do so little. Even the gym has lost its gleam. Then slap bang!! A trip to the doctors for a routine check up and...................HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! 

NOT NORMAL AND NOT HEALTHY. 

So there i sat, waiting for my gym class to start when everything stopped. That moment of realisation came at me. High blood pressure is bad, really bad, being exhausted all of the time, it isn't normal. Yes the majority of PhD students are tired, but unable to focus all of the time, NO. And weight gain? Well, this makes me miserable, can only be my fault from eating too many cakes and the stress of being so unhappy with myself is probably contributing to my high blood pressure. Not to mentioin never having an quality down time.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. 

The recognition that i can no longer deny my situation. I have a huge imbalance in my life. I have got to take some ownership of that. I'm overweight (well maybe not in terms of BMI, but it is getting there and i feel pretty awful), only i can change that. I'm stressed all the time and no longer find relief or enjoyment in running, judo and even the gym is loosing it's charm.

HOW?

I can change what i eat. Relative to everything else, that is easy. Finding the motivation to train harder at the gym? (quality not quantity...might help with the tiredness). Not so easy. Re-finding love for judo and running? I have no idea on that one. Reducing my blood pressure and finding a work life balance?? Not the foggiest. I'm not kidding. I'm staring at a wall of granite with only a miniature pick axe to take it down.

All I can do is take ownership of my situation and strive to make positive changes. Starting with my diet. What goes from there i do not know. I have no idea on how to tackle the other issues. 

But one thing is apparent. I can no longer sit back and deny the truth. 

I'm sure in later blogs i'll update you on my progress, but all advice or links to information gratefully recieved. I hope that my striving to be honest, others in my situation know they too are not alone and all advice will hopefully not only benefit me, but also other readers.

Red faced and sweaty boobs!

Their is little I find in life more enjoyable than a hot shower after a gym session.

I like the gym, actually that is a lie, I love the gym. If I could go back in time, I'd re-train as a personal instructor. I've had a really strange week when it comes to the gym. Monday I did a strength test so my judo coach can see where my fitness level is at. It was quite a good experience, involving:

• Broad jump (measured in cm)
• Right leg hop and left leg hop (measured in cm)
• Level 10 on the rower, 20 sec row as hard as you can, 10 sec rest. Repeat 8 times, total distance added (674 metres - Damn pleased with that, i've never rowed on level ten before!!)
• Squat (1 rep max - 70kg)
• Bench press (1 rep max - 40kg)
• Row (1 rep max - 45kg)

All of the weights are personal bests!! Darn tooting chuffed with that, especially when i consider that 4 months ago I had never done a squat from the rack, never cared for the bench press and row? I wouldn't even dream of doing that kind of weight! I am already looking forward to getting reassessed before Christmas! Eager to see my progress. 

So after these, it was surprising to me to feel very anti-gym. I have spent the last three days battling a very real and extreme exhaustion. When it came to today's gym session with my PT, it was the very last thing I wanted to go and do! As is often the case, i enjoyed it immensely when i got there. I worked my legs to death, by the end of 30 mins, i genuinely wanted to vomit. My face was beetroot red and sweat was rolling between my boobs (guys this is a very really issue!) and yet somehow I managed to get my jellifed arms and legs on to a Spin bike for 45 minutes. 

So why do I work out so much? 

It is a question i get asked a lot. 

Well firstly, each to their own. I feel every one should have a hobby, the gym is one of mine.

Secondly, i would like the body of a goddess - unlikely to ever happen, as food is another hobby of mine, albeit in moderation, i still like chocolate a little bit too much. 

Thirdly, it helps me get fit and cross train for other sports and activities. 

Fourthly, my health. Yes physical health, i want strong muscles, strong bones, a healthy heart, low blood pressure etc, but also mental health. I genuinely find that gym time is my time, even when i am working hard with my PT, it is my time, i switch off from all of life's other problems, worries and cares. If i'm trying to lift a heavy (to me) weight, then i need to focus on form and technique and their isn't room left in my head for anything else. Now this is really important as someone who has suffered from depression. Switching off is something i find difficult to do, negative things affect me greatly. The gym is nearly always a positive experience, that helps me to recharge my batteries and also the endorphins make me happy! 

Another thing i love about the gym, people don't care what you look like, you are all there for the same reason! I really like the different styles of training you can do, some days i'll just do cardio (let's face it, you don't have to think a lot to sit on a bike). Other days i'll do classes, currently in the mix are, pilates, yogalates, yoga, boxfit, spin, FTR circuits and Abs, core and flex. At least once a week I have a PT session where do do cross fit based work outs, and I try to do some of these on my own. If i get up and feel really insecure about an aspect of myself then heading to the gym and focussing on that area gives me the knowledge that i'm doing something positive to change. 

In fact the only thing i'm struggling to change is my diet. Their is a lot of conflicting information on the net, and one cannot be sure the person giving advice is actually qualified either. Lots of fruit and veg it is good but also a bad thing now? Too many carbs...not enough carbs? Calories...wait no, it is all about fats....yeah CONFUSED.COM!

I doubt i'm the only gym nut, but i really hope i'm not the only gym nut constantly asked why i do it to myself, or called nuts. And i hope someone with more intelligence can explain decent nutrition to me, or as least send me to a good, verifiable web page!! 

Until next time folks.....Train hard!

With the highs comes the lows.

Life giveth and life taketh.

Or more accurately, when things are going well, you know at some point luck will change. 

Two weeks ago, life was going pretty well, by and large my research was heading in a positive direction (which made the weekends at uni worth while), i was managing all my different roles and finding time to eat right and exercise plenty.

This week. Everything has came to a screeching halt. Science no longer works, for no reason (i swear this stuff is voodoo sometimes), all my different roles to fulfil have became a pain in the posterior and even worse, eating right and exercising plenty had came to a full STOP! 

So things that have faltered:

• Cell culture - I'm actually trying to  kill cells, yet the buggers live
• PCRs - I want these to show life, yet they are dead
• Injured - i've injured an ankle at judo two weeks ago, it doesn't want to heal
• Energy - all my energy has abandoned me, so now i eat all the wrong food (cyclic this one i know)
• Sleep - what is sleep?? don't even have children for the excuse of not getting any sleep
• Death  - sadly my great aunt has passed away, the impact here is not so much on me, for i didn't know her all that well, though what i knew of her i really liked..funny, warm hearted, caring and always interested in what i was doing with my life, the impact here is on my, who has many happy childhood memories with her on the family farm. 

Of these, the ones affect me the most is the lack of sleep, if i'm not rested then i have no energy, i don't eat right and i don't exercise enough, which granted is painful anyway (soft tissue injuries 

really suck - if anyone knows how long these take to heal, i'd be grateful for that info). The rest (apart from death) is just science. 

It is all frustrating, the lack of energy in particular. It drives me nuts. I always feel like i should be striving for more and achieving my full potential, and yet when i have no energy i fall into a really slump. And then i fall into the trap of feeling like a real failure. Giving up and running away feels like a real prospect. 

In conclusion, this blog post has no purpose, but was a good format for me to vent. 

Night all....i hope you all have more positive things going on in life! 

World Mental Health Day 2015

Today marks world mental health day. 

We all have mental health, you might not think you are affected by mental health problems, but you probably know someone who is. In this blog i'm giving a small insight into my mental health. I thought when setting this blog up that i would only post about happy things, but since when is a person happy all of the time. I'm sure as hell not.

Depression

Depression is defined as: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

To some extent everyone has experienced this. The problem comes when you experience this 'all of the time'. 

This probably isn't going to be the best written blog folks, i'm finding it difficult to find the words to describe what i deal with. 

I have always been a glass half empty kind of girl, years of bullying at school left me feeling like a shadow of a person. Not worthy of time or notice by anyone. I grew up with a mother with severe mental health problems. When I was 16 she was placed into a special hospital unit. I had to grow up fast. When she came out, 'mom' was gone. I would get home to from to school to find her still in bed, unable to function as a person. For any 16 year old the kind of situation i was in was difficult to deal with, you aren't emotionally mature enough for it. I couldn't cope with the pressure and responsibility put on my and i completely messed up my AS-levels. 

At 19 i went to uni and slowly came out of myself, i discovered a love for the gym, but 'mom' was still there with her issues, using emotional blackmail to get me home, for me i was so stressed i experienced constant and excruciating migraines, coupled with decreased sleep of around 4 hours a night. At 21, on my 21st birthday, with a smile on her face as i got through the door from uni, 'mom' announced she was self harming. Happy Birthday to me right? It occurred to me at this point, i would be spending my life as a carer. Hard to deal with, even harder was returning home from uni and living back with the parents. dealing with the unstableness of my mother's bi-polar. 

I got a job, i meet a great friend, who was super encouraging, she gave me the confidence to take up Judo, which helped massively with my self-esteem, she encouraged me to go back to uni and get a masters degree. Cheers Pea, you are a star.

So here is when it happened. I got through my masters, sleeping regularly on 2-4 hours sleep a night, i was the healthiest and happiest i have ever been. I had met wonderful friends, a fantastic judo club, loved my degree. So decided on a PhD. And then I cracked. BOOM. FULL STOP. HALT. NOPE NOPE NOPE. 

Like a bolt out of the blue, my life flipped, turned upside down. I couldn't function. I didn't function. I wasn't happy, i wanted to cry all the time, i felt apart from people, i could sit in the same room and feel so utterly, despairingly alone. Life had no colour, it was varying shades of black. I was down to 2 hours of sleep or less a night. I was in a situation i couldn't get out of, that i had no help or support with and then i had to do my PhD. I was less than a person, i'd get to judo and then find myself having to leave the room to cry. I didn't want to exist, do not understand me, i didn't have suicidal thoughts, i just didn't want to exist. 

In adverts they always show a person alone in a corner, this was literally me. 

People would ask what was wrong, the answer was always 'i'm fine' - yeah, no, i was anything but fine. I couldn't tell anyone that though, who would understand?? People don't understand something they can't see. Even worse, what if someone said i was like my 'mom' -crazy, needed to go in hospital, never ever going to be able to lead a normal life. Therefore i couldn't tell anyone.  I had to deal on my own. To tell people you're fine when actually:

To get to the point, i eventually told someone, and they told someone else, that someone else helped me, he made me understand on an intellectual and emotional level i was not my mother. I was DEPRESSED. I got help. I take medication daily. I'm still prone to depressive episodes, mostly i think when people see me being mental and hyper, it is me trying to deal with the fact i'm not happy and i am trying to bust through that temporary wall. 

I also used to be totally anti - anti-depressants, i never wanted to take them, but now i do, and you have to take them daily, it isn't like paracetamol, you have to take them even when you don't think you need them. I function as a person now. 

Key thing here, anti-depressants don't make your life perfect, in fact far from it, i'm still a sensitive person, i still get upset at criticism, or when i think people dislike me for no reason, it really bugs me and hurts me. And they can have side effects, i suffer from irregular nightmares and it has made me gain a LOT of weight. And this is an issue for me, i eat well, train lots (arguably too much) and yet i continue to steadily gain weight and this makes me really upset and it makes me feel ashamed of myself and my body. I look in the mirror and i feel so embarrassed. But the tablets also make me well enough to go to uni and work, to get to the gym and sweat stress out, to get up and dressed and face the day. 

So here it is, my brief tale of 2 years of dealing with depression. I can count on one hand all the people in my life that know about it, and only two of them are family (no not my 'mom). I still feel the need to hide it and we shouldn't, depression and other mental health issues should be talked about. It is nothing to be ashamed of. 

So if you take one message from this, then take either the message you aren't alone if you suffer depression, or take the message of World Mental Health Day and spread it to engender understanding.