Through the eyes of a child

Their is little in life as good as spending time with your family. To let them know you care and for them to care about you. Ah love!

Back from a four day break with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. And wow, am I shattered now! How much energy does a 10year old have?! Answer: far more than me.
It was a great break, minus the train issues (Britain train services leave a little to be desired). I was utterly spoilt. A meal out on the first evening. A large fry up for next day breakfast. A full roast dinner sunday night. Large lunch and dinners on monday (for breakfast, i was still digesting the previous days meals) and travelling home on the tuesday with a food baby. Heck Wednesday evening and still dealing with the food baby. I do not think i will eat a 'proper' meal this week. The sight of food.....

But it was a great break. We visited the Manchester museum of Science and Industry. Truly a great day out! Lots of interactive activities for the kids, and lets be honest the adults too, was running round after my nephew. We also went into the 4D cinema, surprisingly good! and around the areoplanes, but still we didn't get ot se everywhere. It was a great experience and something for all the family to do, and lots to be learnt.

I spent one wet day indoors watching my first 3D film. Frankly i think 3D is overrated. It is more annoying than anything and not particularly great. But in the evening. Well, my nephews excitement had nothing on me. I was treated to attend a live tapping of WWE!!!!! Oh yes!! Men in tiny pants!!! Hello!!!!! My life was made a little bit more complete on watching the Dudley boyz, Kane and especially The Undertaker!!!! Never thought i would see these guys live!!! It was amazing, the atmosphere was epic, the noise was insane, the whole event was incredible. And that was just the wreslting. I was utterly fascinated by the camera crews hanging from the rafters, the mobile team, the ring crew, the pyrotechnics! I spent equally as much time looking at that as i did the actual fights! Awesome.







It was fabulous. Spending that much time with my nephew was great. He is so passionate and curious about everything, so many questions. It was incredible to spend a few days seeing the world through he eyes. When one is so young and not yet jaded, the world is an exciting place, fully of life and colour and no responsibilites. Amazing. 

It was with a tired bump i cam back home. On a good note, i unwound enough for my blood pressure to come down. Though the nurse has decided i have other things that need fixing as well. She isn't wrong, but i pride myself on my British mentality of 'it'll mend in time, i don't need to see anyone about it'. Sometimes defeat is enevitable. On the other hand, i found my temporary reset button.

Life needs a reset button!

Is it just me or it is that time of year, where everyone feels tired? 

I have been feeling exhausted and demotivated for a good month or so now, not helped by the nights and morning really pulling in, and whilst Autumn remains uncharacteristically mild, it is pretty wet and miserable (ok - for england that is fairly normal). 

All of my PhD colleagues at the moment are in the same boat. Working a lot, achieving nothing and feeling shattered. Suddenly we have all realised that our PhD has become our entire lives, even when not at work, we are thinking about what needs to be done, timings, things we need to write. It has taken over everything and the balance has become warped. 

No judo, minimal gym, no running, and always feeling stressed and overwhelmed (as my blood pressure attests too!). My ability to eat a balanced diet....energy for that gone after Tuesday, desire to do anything...gone by Wednesday lunch. All experiments are failing, i can't keep on top of birthdays and christmas shopping, house chores or anything else. I'm seriously looking at my life, thinking what the deuce am i doing?! I mean at best, i am indifferent about my studies at worst i despise them, though i know in the end it will be worth it. Frankly i feel so busy, if i was juggling eggs, we'd be eating scrambled eggs off the floor right now!

Normally, i 'reset' myself with a good weekend. A cracking judo session, a hot shower, a good nights sleep, a lazy saturday and a soak in the bath with a good book and a large glass of wine. Tried this numerous times and the reset button is not working! 

So this weekend i'm going to try something different. Family time. Yes, go ahead, scoff, since when has spending time with the family meant relaxing and unwinding. Well to you sir/madam, I say this: first time for everything! 

Yup, travelling to Manchester (first time) and spending a long weekend with my brother and his family, going to the cinema, tenpin bowling, going for a nice sunday walk, doing something on monday and then, oh yes, wait for it:

GOING TO WATCH LIVE WWE!!

My inner teenager rejoices. With a bit of luck, watching semi-naked men, with muscles and tattoos might just rejuvenate my enthusiasm for life. 

Fingers crossed and watch this space! 

Peace. x

Ownership - the truth is staring at me in the mirror

Ownership. At some point in life we need to take some ownership.

It might be of the path your career is taking, it may be your financial situation, it may be taking control and ownership for some of the issues and problems in your life. Or as is my case, taking ownership of my health. 

Oh yeah folks, sorry it is one of those blogs. Woe is me. Ass is kicked. 

For over the last year or so, I've been feeling pretty damn exhausted, all of the time - where is my bed?! EXHAUSTED. I've also gained weight (around 10kg). I've sat back and blamed my tiredness and weight gain on PhD life. PhD being my life, and eating far too much cake and drinking far too many caramel lattes. Accepting that to eat this way and to feel this way is normal. Hey a PhD is seriously stressful, don't judge unless you are doing one! The hours are long and the rewards are few, so why not a donut now and then to keep going? Afterall the sugar will boost my energy.

It's not all bad, I'm sort of proactive about my health, i hit the gym at least 5 days a week, it is all about the quantity right? (yeah wrong!) I workout so much that i am permanently injured. So i mean weight gain, it isn't me, it is all about my stressful, unbalanced life. Logically, i know this to be a bunch of twaddle (great under-utilised word twaddle), but it has been all too easy to lay the blame elsewhere. I could blame my medication, but this has always felt like one lie too many to myself. 

I could have kept on lying, denying the truth, feeling disheartened that so much is going wrong in my life. PhD - not giving me results. Time and love for running - disappeared into the ether, enjoyment of Judo - what even is judo?! I do so little. Even the gym has lost its gleam. Then slap bang!! A trip to the doctors for a routine check up and...................HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! 

NOT NORMAL AND NOT HEALTHY. 

So there i sat, waiting for my gym class to start when everything stopped. That moment of realisation came at me. High blood pressure is bad, really bad, being exhausted all of the time, it isn't normal. Yes the majority of PhD students are tired, but unable to focus all of the time, NO. And weight gain? Well, this makes me miserable, can only be my fault from eating too many cakes and the stress of being so unhappy with myself is probably contributing to my high blood pressure. Not to mentioin never having an quality down time.

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE. 

The recognition that i can no longer deny my situation. I have a huge imbalance in my life. I have got to take some ownership of that. I'm overweight (well maybe not in terms of BMI, but it is getting there and i feel pretty awful), only i can change that. I'm stressed all the time and no longer find relief or enjoyment in running, judo and even the gym is loosing it's charm.

HOW?

I can change what i eat. Relative to everything else, that is easy. Finding the motivation to train harder at the gym? (quality not quantity...might help with the tiredness). Not so easy. Re-finding love for judo and running? I have no idea on that one. Reducing my blood pressure and finding a work life balance?? Not the foggiest. I'm not kidding. I'm staring at a wall of granite with only a miniature pick axe to take it down.

All I can do is take ownership of my situation and strive to make positive changes. Starting with my diet. What goes from there i do not know. I have no idea on how to tackle the other issues. 

But one thing is apparent. I can no longer sit back and deny the truth. 

I'm sure in later blogs i'll update you on my progress, but all advice or links to information gratefully recieved. I hope that my striving to be honest, others in my situation know they too are not alone and all advice will hopefully not only benefit me, but also other readers.