PhD apathay or something darker?

Every PhD student you will ever meet, at some point will admit. They just want the PhD over with. They are, tired, bored, drained, skint, apathetic and more. The process is tedious, devoting 3 or 4 years solidly to one subject. Knowing that all you need is something novel. Not groundbreaking, because realistically very little of science is ground breaking stuff. But something Novel, previously unknown or a new twist on an old concept. But that field of study is so narrow that at some point you just want to stop and breathe.

Well, three years into the PhD process, with one more year to go. I am THERE. Disinterested in science, or learning, unmotivated and bored. Yep I've reached the top of the sigmoid and I'm lying on the plateau.

None of this greatly surprised me. After all many of my currently social group have been through the process and have experienced the 'wall', then the linear phase followed by the burnout plateau. What has surprised me is how hard I've been hit. Over the last few weeks, well, the best metaphor would be a head slowly exploding against a concrete wall. 

In reality, I'm disinterested in science, suffering a loss of appetite, feeling sick when i do eat and sleeping excessively and suffering some memory loss (for the love of god where are my keys!). And most worryingly I don't want to exercise, no Judo (less of a surprise given my anxiety issues with it), running can jog on and gym is a no go. I alternate between wanting to cry and just sit in a chair and stare listlessly into space for hours. Now the real is....Is this really just PhD burnout or something worse. As a Panther surrounded her entire life by the blackness of depression affecting family members and later on being diagnosed myself, it is very hard for me to differentiate between the two situations. 

One is a life debilitating situation that can cause a rapid alteration in mental health the other is a passing phase that just needs to be slogged through. Friends have helped me to see I need a break (i suck at relaxing), those friends I can count on (others it turns out recently, basically suck - get rid of those, they cannot be relid on and often bring subconcious negativity into your life) and they have stepped up to the mark in ways that i am greatful for, but do not have the words to express. The other is the get the family members you trust in your corner. For me, my mother is a no go. She has severe mental health problems and i'm like a sponge when it comes to he. Sadly, despite 3 of them, i'm not close to my brothers either. So i chose my dad, forever in my corner, forever my rock. But i also chose my aunt, she got her husband through the PhD process and has seen the strain first hand. Their emotional support is invaluable. But these guys, they proof read my work and they feed me when i can't feed myself. I hope to keep going and finish this process, i hope to make them proud and i hope to pay them back one day. 

This post, for the PhD student. Whatever you feel in the darkest moments of wanting to quit are normal. Find your support network. And the second you feel it isn't normal emotions you are feeling get help. Mental health remains a silent issue in many areas of society. 

Their is no shame in needing help, the help of friends, family or medical.

Here is a cute doggie picture to cheer you up! (well it made me smile)

 

Time to kick it up a gear.

Summer is here and the sun is shining (well between the downpours - this is Britain after all). It is time to top up the vitamin D levels, slip on that bikini and feel good about life.

Not actually me, but you get the idea

Except. I don't have a bikini body. Not even remotely comfortable in a bikini. Not even comfortable in a swimming costume at the pool. Frankly you are much more likely to see me like this > 

Hidden in a tent.  

Gym life is going well. Training is challenging, but progressing nicely. Muscle is being built and VERY slowly, but surely, body fat is creeping down. :)  Being the impatient person that I am, this lovely, positive change isn't happening fast enough. Not only is my body (rudely) not changing over night, but I am becoming beset my aches and pains and the dreaded exhaustion. Whoo!! Nothing like all the annoying things. 

Having had a few chats with my gym trainers, it has slowly dawned on me that I train too much. I have known this, but for the first time it is really sinking in. I TRAIN TOO MUCH. And what happens when you over train? Your body, which suffers a little bit of temporary damage every time you hit the gym (or other forms of exercise) is unable to heal efficiently. People react differently to over training:

•  Some suffer fatigue, 
• Others actually lose strenght and fitness, 
• Constant soreness,
• You can pick up illnesses easier, 
• Some people even suffer from burnout, which can affect some individuals mental health quite badly. 

Me? Well i suffer the fatigue and loss of fitness and strenght - therefore i train harder and end up going in circles until i crash. Joyous. Well no, not really.  Anyway, this knowledge coupled with the whole, 'i know i don't really eat that well' but i'll not be honest with myself has led to this point. The realisation that need to do both less and more. 

Why Less?

Doing a HIIT class followed by Judo - explosive followed by explosive. No wonder my explosive abilities die ten minutes into Judo. My muscles are done in. 

Spin, run and maybe weights - Stamina, stamina and of wait more stamina. Yeah no good either. 

Time to tailor my training more. Summer is the perfect opportunity. Judo slows down a bit, which is a great opportunity to mix it up, start training for a half marathon (following an actual plan - big deal for me - for the next 13 weeks), fitting my gym time around this. Then Judo around that. Keeping one day for pure rest and two lighter days to aid recovery.

Why do more?

It is time to put a darn sight more effort into my nutrition. A girl can't run a half marathon on poor nutrition. A girl can't hit her Judo ambitions (low level) with out energy in the tank. 

I've taken a bit of time to read about nutrition, calorie intake and macros (can strongly recommend heidi powell's blog. So it is time to, not only train like a pro, but eat like one too. 

My plan is simple. Consume 1555Kcal per day, of which 40% will come from carbs (trying to keep away from bread - it hates me), 35% will be protein and 25% fats. This isn't right for everyone, indeed i may need to tweak this myself. And I totally intend on having a cheat day once a week so stop me going nuts and having a chocolate binge. 

Summer is here, and it is time to kick it up a gear. 

 

Live a little and try something new!

Summer has arrived!!!

As this is the UK, summer has predictably been a few sunny days and lots of wet and windy ones, thanks Global warming! (Sarcasm)

Regardless, the increased number of dry spells brings to my mind the opportunity to get outdoors!! Make a break from being couped up all of the time. This year I intend to make the most of being outdoors by trying new things.

1) Gardening.

I have a teeny weeny garden. With two large plants and a small plot of soil 1m by 2m. The rest is paving. Perfect and low maintenance. That being said looking at two plants and paving is pretty boring, so this year I have put some colour into the garden. (You will quickly note, i am not a botanist). Some pots have been purchased and in these i have placed fuchsias and lavenders and some supposedly pretty coloured flowers whose name escapes me.

In the small plot i am attempting to grow some produce. This fits quite nicely with my attempts to get healthier. I have peas, garlic, onions, carrots, Brussels, lettuces, fennel, mixed herbs, pumpkins, courgettes, cucumbers, tomatoes, peppers and strawberries in my tiny plot. All growing with mixed success. It would seem that onions and garlics are really easy!! From the looks of things, another few weeks and fresh organic produce will be making it onto my plate!!

My little green plot

2) Dragon Boating.

I know, I know, you are all wondering dragon boating is. Well here is a picture. 22 people on a boat, one steering, one on the drum and 20 paddling!! I joined a brand new club and we so far have 8 regulars!! Anyone interested in giving it ago should definitely look up a local club...

Picture taken from the web

The history of the sport can be found on wikipedia: Dragon-boat

It is hard, sweaty work, with regular practises taking place on a river. So far my experiences have been blessed with good weather, so good I've came home with sunburn. It is a heck of a work out, on the arms and lower back. Great for your core and thoroughly enjoyable.

3) Croquet

A past time for posh people (at least literature would so have me believe). June the 5th is National Croquet day in England and my neighbour has been playing for years and invited me to her clubs open day. Life is all about new experiences, even if that involves hanging out with old folk. Yeah it might not seem cool, but old people are awesome and i don't care if you think i am cool, i'll do what i please. Again we have been blessed with mighty fine weather, so fine the sun added considerably to my sunburn. And literature is correct, the people at the club were incredibly posh. One felt, one ought to talk in a more clipped, appropriate manner. 

Hopefully with the continuation of good weather i'll be able to get out and try some other new activites, perhaps horse riding? Or competitive freezbie? Camping? The options are endless.

Happy summer!!

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly....

It has been a while since my last post.

Since then I have been working diligently at uni  on my research. After a run of good luck, a brick wall that was holding back my research has been smashed!!!!!!

Great news!! Other pieces of work are also slowly but surely generating results as well. 

Still i refuse to take this for granted, science can have a habit of lulling you in to a false sense of security only to suddenly stop playing ball.

Uni Gym.

I have been beasting it in the gym as well. PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE!!!

At my last body MOT, my weight had gone up a little (bad) however I had finally lost some fat!! In fact, since we started doing measurements it is now at the LOWEST it has ever been. Dropping half a percent. Not massive, but a very real and positive step in the right direction. All of my measurements show i am definitely gaining muscle and shredding!! WHOOP!!! The news gets better. My blood pressure is now normal!!! Granted it is on the cusp of what the medical profession call normal, but I'll take all the positive points that i can!! Since having the body MOT i have stood on the scales and they have indicated a small loss too!!! Extremely happy about this. 

When it comes to gym life, it is not lifting super heavy weights (I can now manage to squat 70kg - more than i weigh!) or big extravagant results that matter, it is the small improvements that i find to be significant. These small steps prove you are capable of change and spur you on to greater achievements. 

THE C WORD

From reading all of the above, you could be forgiven for thinking my life is nice and rosy right now. And I have to admit on paper, it isn't bad at all. But of course, life is not perfect. 

The volume of work, constant small pieces of misinformation, having to triple triple check everything, a supervisor that is a pro a not answering emails, undergraduates that believe your sole existence is to be your supervisors secretary/their minion, to clean up and re-stock after them. Yup. Feeling a shade annoyed and overwhelmed. 

Add to that.. Everyone else thinking they know YOUR limitations. Honey, I don't know what limitations are! But when they did their PhD, that was all they did. That and nothing else. They assume this is what everyone else needs to do, sitting on a committee is 'crap' and 'you need to focus on your work', you wont have time for the gym or judo, because you are doing a PhD. 

So much negativity. Truth is, if all i did was my PhD, then i would be really unhappy, i have never been the type of person to solely focus on one thing, i enjoy having hobbies...i might not always enjoy sitting on committees, but it is a good experience. 

One of my favourite quotes.

Let us face it, we've all experienced situations like this. 

So yes, i'm a tad annoyed. But then came something to really blow me out of the water. My Dad has been diagnosed with the big C.

CANCER

A word that one ever wants to hear. Luckily it is prostate cancer. I say lucky because recovery rates for this are really good. We are waiting for more tests. So for now I will say no more, other than it is a shock. 

If you would like to know more about prostate cancer, please click on the following link: http://prostatecanceruk.org/

Dare to try.

So begins a brand new month and I am in the fortunate position of spending the first week of it on annual leave. WOOOHOOOO!!!

As my personal tradition dictates, this means spending a long weekend with the family then back to the comfort of my own home. For most people a vacation means a vacation from the exercise routine. I try and be a little more adaptable than that. 

Now my parents are older they need a little help, so on this occassion a little exercise has included gardening (I defy anyone who has dug over a vegetable plot with clay soil to say that isn't exercise!!), also washing and polishing a car (took a good four hours!!), a little bit of walking the dog and because i can, a run or two. I am a firm believer than exercise can be done anywhere. And in an age where most people think of exercise as going to the gym or bootcamps, a lot of people forget that gardening and washing cars counts too. You get hot and sweaty, don't stop and also have the added benefit of fresh air and sunlight, both are great for your skin and mental health, which is JUST as, if not MORE important than physical health. 

Looking back over the last month, I find myself very relieved that i am on holiday!! I have worked so hard and am mentally tired.

But at no point did i stop going to the gym (proud of this) even if i went a little less, in fact the gym took on a different sort of meaning. It was no longer the place I had to go and slave for hours! Suddenly my focus became intense. I needed to go in, do the job and get out. All the students have returned after Easter break, this gave more incentive to get in, get done and get out.

To get out of the hustle and bustle of the gym, i started taking my cardio outside and have rediscovered a joy of running - after feeling as though my chest would burst from lack of air and pounding heart, outside is harder than a treadmill anyday, i have refound a past pleasure. Hell i have even signed up to a 10K race for early next year and am looking for reasonably prices ones nearby to do this year. Plus keeping my eyes open for a half marathon (eek!).

I have no idea if i have lost weight or shredded fat. But for once none of that matters. Why? because i have found discovered something. I have discovered I can achieve more than i ever thought possible. At the beginning of my current training programme 6 weeks ago, i could squat 65kg as a one max rep. Now, as part of my programme i regularly squat 4 reps of 60kg. I have dropped so many weights on the counter-balance for my pull-ups and tricep dips....two exercises i was adament to my trainer i couldn't do. 

Bench press with dumbells...never in my life used heavier than 8kg....until the 15kg i use now. It is amazing what this can do attitude, beast it in the gym and get done, whilst enjoying what a rest day or two can do for a girl!!! My gym trainer told me to believe in myself. So i dared to try, i dared to believe in myself and when all else failed i dared to put some cracking tunes in my ears and get on with it. 

This has really rejuventated me. I'm finding myself in the gym again. I'm finding my head space outside running again. Next goals are to re-find my judo mojo and confidence and then find my body (on this score i've spent most of today finding high protein breakfast meals and new evening/lunch meals to keep me from hitting the chocolate).

So go on! Dare to try! Dare to Believe! Dare to see what you can achieve!!!!

A rude awakening and a new plan

A few weeks ago I was given a rude awakening by my Personal Trainer, he decided without warning to do a new body MOT. Time to get the measurements he said. *Crap* i thought. I knew i wouldn't see anything good. Not only were my results not 'good', I left mortified. 

The readings; my Body fat had remained much the same (to my surprise), my weight has finally crept up to 70kg (the heaviest i have ever been) and whilst this makes my BMI 25. A single point higher and I will be classed as overweight (and frankly I already feel overweight). So the news was not great and i felt awful and miserable and disappointed with myself and hey depressed, because, let us be honest here, i have done this to myself. But the big shock was my blood pressure. The first reading 152/96....the second not much better at 145/92. Wow, now that is HIGH! Alarmingly so. Crunch time. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE!

I have since had a few days holiday and had my blood pressure rechecked by a nurse and it was 130/82. Now this is medically acceptable, but for me this is actually still high. A lot of factors contribute to high blood pressure:

• age
• salt intake
• lack of exercise
• overweight

These are just a few, for more details please click on the following link: What causes high blood pressure? 

Now realistically, none of the above are considerable factors for me on the face of it. I've only just turned 30. I don't add salt much to my diet, i exercise fairly frequently, and currently i am not overweight.On the other hand, I am in a stressful position and their is a family history of high blood pressure. So what are my options here? 

1) Age - not a factor. Being 30 is not a reason to have high blood pressure and i cannot change my age anyway

2) Salt intake - i do not add a lot of salt to my diet, but it is hidden in so many foods now, including 'healthy' pre-packaged stuff, so i am possibly eating more that I should from my food sources. So I aim to make over 90% of my diet come from non-prepackaged sources

3) Lack of exercise - I am great at going nuts for a week or two and then nothing for a week to ten days, so i really need to work on pacing myself and being more consistent

4) Overweight - not yet, but it is a darn close thing

5) Stress - i need to learn to manage this better, and also improve my sleep pattern. A lack of sleep 'stresses' the body, even if you do not feel it in the mind

6) Family history of high blood pressure - I cannot change this, but i CAN do everything in my power to try and avoid developing it. 

How did i get to this, when i have been blogging my goals? I know that is what you are thinking. The same thing that happens to people all the time. I looked at where I was a few years ago, happy healthy and fighting fit and realised i am so far removed from that, that is seems impossible to get back to that place. So instead of fighting, I sought comfort. And i lied to myself. 

I has got to the point where i spend as little time as possible looking the in the mirror. But their is one mirror you cannot avoid. Your parents. I've popped home for a weekend visit and I am met with the vision of my mother, the person perpetually on a diet and failing. I see how large she is, how slow she has became, she is a shadow of her formed self in so many respects. The truth is staring at me from the sofa. If I do not change, i am destined to become my mother. 

I need to avoid the cake and people who encourage me to eat it. I need to block out the negativity from people who say 'you don't have time', or 'you can't do it' - this actually speaks volumes about their own limitations, they are attempting to off load on to you, to make themselves feel better. I need to develop a plan and have a goal. I have an overall goal of how much i would like to loose, i also looked for pictures for motivation and came across this beauty on the web:

Wow!! And Who said size deosn't matter!

And then i found this! I'd like to loose more than 20lbs, but i was genuinely surprised at how much fat 20lbs is!! 

Fatty fatty, fat fat

So i have started with these few goals:

• 3 gym workouts a week minimum, but no more than five
• 2 spin classes a week minimum, but no more than 3
• 6 days a week for running - i neither care about distance or time, it is all about moving
• 1 day a week of pure rest - read a book, do some gardening, walking some beauty spots, but nothing that really tires me out!

Their will be judo on top and i want to fit in either some yoga or meditation time to try and deal with the stress levels. In addition to this i have signed up to a 10 day programme where you are given a new green smoothie to try every day either with or as a meal replacement to try and top up my nutrients and energy levels. Oh and cut the *crap*. It is time to invest in whole foods.  

Now i am being brutally honest here, my motivation is at an all time low. But I am determined to make it through a week of doing these things!!! If I can make it through one week and see a positive change, then i hope this will build my motivation to continue along the path of self improvement.  It is my hope that by the next time my PT does a body MOT at the end of April, i will have lost 5lbs (just over a pound a week, a healthy amount to loose) and that my fat levels will have decreased and most importantly that my blood pressure will have came down. 

So everything is in place. I have a massive food delivery coming to my house Sunday night, so I am going to use my two remaining days visiting the parents are a reminder of how i don't want to eat (my body is a temple right?) and where i DO NOT want to end up in 20 years time (or earlier!). 

So check back in four weeks for an update!!!

Turning 30 in Paris........and what comes next.

Easter weekend I celebrated a landmark birthday - turning the big 30. 

I, quite notoriously amongst my friends, do not have typically good birthday's. Breaking bones, family members passing. So this year i was determined to do things a little differently. Instead of waiting for the day to pass, I wanted to go away. Mercifully a good friend of mine came to the rescue. Being a student means money is tight and trying to go away over Easter is not the cheapest time of year. But my dear friend suggested her home city of Paris. All I needed was to pay for flights and have some spending money.

PARIS!! 

What a beautiful and vibrant city it is, with so much culture and history! 

Day 1 was marked by a trip to Versailles. Pictures do not do that palace justice, it is HUGE. We spent a glorious 7 hours wandering around the palace and the exquisite gardens. In mostly glorious sunshine, the water features were mesmerising to watch. 

Day 2: we ventured into Paris. Wandering all over the city, we started at the Trocadero, taking pictures of the famous landmark of France, the Eiffel Tower. From there we walked down the Seine, taking in the sights. Walking past the Grand Palace, seeing the Champs Elysee and Arc De Triomphe, then wandering down to the place de la Concorde, passing through a peaceful garden to the Carrousel de Lourve and the Pyramide de louvre. We then wandered some of the back streets and found a quaint restaurant for lunch before moving on the the Notre Dame Cathedral and the Justice Palace and the flower market. As beautiful as you could imagine. We meandered to the Centre Pompidou before walking back across the city to see the Opera house! Absolutely marvellous, but exhausting day!

Day 3: We were less adventurous and visited the Sacre Coeur and the surrounding areas. Such a bustling part of Paris, a very beautiful area, with talented street artists, and the obligatory tourist shops, all selling art work, mass produced oil paintings. Whilst they are nothing of value a few caught my eye and I have purchased them as reminders of the lovely weekend. Sacre ceour itself is a beautiful whist stoned church with some of the most intricate art work inside. The colours are so vibrant and alive. The view from the top of the hill of Paris is breath taking, with the sun appearing at the most perfect moment. 

Day 4: It rained at lot. Until we got on the Plane that was. 

A truly remarkable way to spend a birthday in lovely company, and my friend arranged a surprise at the airport with a mutual friend joining us for the brief vacation! 

Sadly as always, the return home is met with a return to reality!! And a huge pile of laundry that i didn't bother to do before i went!! 

 

And home to a few facts. Several family members haven't bothered to remember my birthday (you know, the type that will create a massive fuss if you forget theirs - we all know someone like that). And a wake up call from my Personal Trainer. We did a full body MOT just before Easter. My body fat has remained the same as previous measurements, but my weight has gone up a lot and more worryingly my blood pressure is rather high (though i got this tested after my short break and it is ok - but it could be better). This is evidence that the approach i was taking to life and training isn't working for me. So i will be drawing up a new battle plan. 

Watch this space!